You Can Know Who You Are By Putting Limits For Yourself as a Parent

-

When you are confident about your needs and strong about it, you will not waver and people around you will learn to respect it.

Today I was not confident about my needs, and was going in spirals and angry at myself for having needs. I was feeling pressure to do everything well, as the holiday is coming and it is a once in a year event. I was looking forward all year and loved getting ready for it. I also knew that it was an auspicious time to feel G-d's love and pray, so I was nervous subconsciously about not getting it. I felt unworthy because of not being perfect as usual. My daughter also worried me a lot because she barely is able to sleep and fell asleep at 3 a.m. and woke up at 12 p.m. on my accord because of the preparations. So of course I was feeling guilty about it and nervous about her seeming hyper tension in her personality. Was I doing everything wrong with her do I need a specialist.

So I worked all day, without noticing because I do love the preparation, but also with feeling guilty about not having spiritual elevating. My husband came home, we fought a bit earlier about not going to his parents, and seeing his downcast mood angered me. I snapped and acted passive aggressive, and he blamed me for not having enough reason to be upset and was angry. I told him he never listened anyway and I give up. I literally felt like no one was on my side. I accused him of not trying enough and dragging me down with his down mood and his insistence of spending time with family. I felt he was ignoring my needs for autonomy. He roared at me, and I knew I struck a nerve. I suddenly felt like there was nothing to live for with his attitude. I told him to go away, and he would not let up with telling me I HAD to admit I started this argument for nothing. I was ruining the whole holiday. I felt unheard, and like he didn't care about the holiday himself. So I told him to leave me. He screamed on that "You just think no one can be there for you and you are making yourself be isolated that's all you want to do." I was so angry I couldn't speak. I felt it was true, that no body cared. I lay down with the worst feeling ever, the same sharp pain I used to experience when all the grownups were against me and I felt like the bad, selfish kid for having feelings of my own. I always felt so BAD about having hurt feelings, like it was unwarranted. It hurt now, too.

Meanwhile our daughter was running around as usual, not seeming so startled by our fight. When he screamed and shook his fists, I mocked him, she ran to him and held his foot. I looked at her but could not speak I was mad.

Finally we talked about why I was mad, because he insisted not leaving me in this state. I was stubborn trying to not care but he saw that I did. I was grateful and felt undeserving. I cried. He listened. I said I felt hurt that he seemed to be with his father, I had anger towards the man because he never saw how we felt and abused us emotionally. He explained he knew where it came from. I said it is still crazy, but I realized I was so angry because of my own unacceptance of betrayal. If it means something to you, you have it. We calmed down, and I felt trapped in my anger and pain. I told him I had no identity, felt like a stick figure, to be there for my daughter robotically. He said he knew it was hard. I asked him if he thought our daughter felt unloved, and if it would be better if we gave her to people who can treat her well, and he said no she knows I love her, it comes through even when I ignore her. Leaving her would be worst and destroy her inside. I felt better

I did learn that once I got all my anger out, I felt better about my needs. When I finished the preparations it was with joy, because I knew my daughter felt loved and I loved seeing her waddle around playing by herself in my fashion - holding a bag and making up games on her own. I felt that when I was confident about what I needed- some time to do things- she accepted it. Parents need to set boundaries in order to be there for their kids fully themselves.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Limbic Brain Flashbacks From Trauma

-
There is nothing without love. Life starts within the mother’s womb, where she and her child are one. She is all he knows, and he needs her to develop his emotional brain, until he can become an autonomous self. Therefore, why are the role of women so inferior in society? They basically make up a human’s development of skills, true self-worth (that they are loved by another person), and growth potential.  Nancy Verrier says in Coming Home to Self that the experiences we have during the first three years of life “play a big part in our overall attitudes and beliefs” (Page 382). Personally I felt beaten down a lot, in my emotional body and ability to use my strengths of giving love. I feel like a shadow of a person, in this world, my skills and worth invisible to myself and to everyone else. This has to do with my suffering from the primal wound of being relinquished from my biological mother, and then adopted when I was a few months old. Verrier states, “Severing of the bond with th
Read more

Daughter and Projection of Anxiety

-
My daughter was anxious as me when we got back. I wanted to write a whole letter to my Rabbi about the community ignorance of emotions, and she was not falling asleep. I was kind of on edge and finished it. Then she ran around the house and I made myself some food even though I snacked earlier. She started squishing the cherry tomatos, and I recognized that it was from her frustrated emotions so I said to her, "You're angry right?" And she delighted and repeated the word and squeezed some more on them with her fingers. I winced inside a bit from the waste, and tried to focus. It was good that I was trying to validate her a bit, unlike how I was never validated at all for my grief as a baby. But it was hard because I was stressed. Needed time to myself and yet she needed my attention... And I felt a spiral coming. I desperately tried to hold on to myself and her. My mind was telling me that she was needy and that I was doing a bad job. But my heart was screaming for focus
Read more

Who Are Adopted Children Really

-
          Is it any wonder that the adopted child feels so unreal. Journey of The Adopted Self by Betty Jean Lifton inspired me to think about this. Reading the first few chapters and so excited with it. It speaks to my soul and resonates, being truth to me. She said that no one romanticizes mothers more than adoptees. As a blind person who tries to imagine how the sun looks upon a flower, the adopted child never experienced their mother, so there is plenty to imagine in their minds what it means. True, and why I have a hard time understanding the concept of true belonging.        As my older also adopted sister told me, why am I sad about adoption? I should just be happy and apply the knowledge that it was for my good, and a wonderful thing that I was adopted because   she my birth mother could not take care of me properly for her life. She expected me to just not feel sad about that and deny all the pain and feelings of non-belonging and yearning for a place in the world all of
Read more