You Can Only Accept Forgiveness if You Forgive Yourself

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I am lucky to have a husband like this. After I beat him to the core with emotional abuse, telling him the worst things, he still sees the good in me. It is a miracle.  I wonder if we are the narcissistic- codependent pair, where one beats the other down and he tolerates it because he is used to this treatment... But then again, he fights back until I break and apologise. I still feel the entitlement to push him down though. I see his insecurities and beat him for it because I cannot tolerate it in myself at times. It is like a scary person takes over me and all the past declarations of love disappear.

I was only able to take his understanding and forgiveness of my behavior and "recreating reality to the idea I had in my head of him," as he said, that he was rude and obnoxious and not caring of me,  when I forgave myself for it. Until then, it was unbelievable that someone could forgive me. I had to believe that I truly did not mean it. It took hell and enormous emptiness to admit that I was in such a dark place. But once I did I was able to get out and be loving again.

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