Need to Feel Good To Be Good

My daughter really makes me happy and things are going well today. I guess last night I jumped too far in my emotions, and today I can appreciate what I have much more because it is over. I heard a Rabbi say that life is meant for struggles to work on our nature, to overcome our animalistic side. I am happy that it is hard because that helps me know what I need to work on. Laziness, overindulgence, anger among the worst... I am not blaming myself just stating the facts. Shame won't help me.

I am happy that I am able to appreciate the small things in life, and feel as though I don't deserve it. I am so grateful. For my monetary needs being met, getting the makeup and clothes I appreciate. Having a better understanding with my adoptive mother, and having my wonderful daughter who loves me. I see how my work pays off every day. I love seeing her confidence and learning daily. I felt empty today, so needed to fill up my time productively so we went to visit my adoptive father in rehab center. Brought him ice cream, and a salad for moi. Very happy I did not cave into the ice cream or pastries. Trying not to judge others for their choices, and work on myself. It is hard at times, when I feel alone and angry. My father was so happy with me and my toddler visiting, because we were ourselves with no expectations of him being someone he is not. I saw on Instagram: Let others be themselves and watch the magic that happens. He was just very happy and listened to my stories non- judgementally.

Life is about the joy in accomplishing. And then striving for more growth. It never ends. Just because I am trying to grow spiritually does not mean I am perfect. It is all about how I see myself. Only I know how I feel. I like the thought that everyone is on a journey with good and bad sides. Helps me be more open minded. Lisa Romano says it is important to protect your spiritual boundaries, because if you don't others will be pulling your energy and you will get down. That happened to me this weekend, talking to a new friend I made at the hair-wrapping event. She drained me. She seemed excitable, but also a bit empty inside like she was desperate for friends. I like to think I am past that stage, because I have learned to focus on myself mainly. If others help, great, if not, call me selfish but I'm out! But anyway, it was really interesting because I opened up about my adoption casually, as at this point I have more confidence about the issues from it, and she at first seemed very brainwashed the way she protested that it is wonderful, and she told said her husband is adopted and is grateful...so I said it is traumatic and not a way to build a family. So she said, what is the best way for a sterile woman to have a family? Sounding a bit peeved, but claiming to be unbiased. I said, first she needs to accept her own infertility and feelings around it, so she should not adopt a child with the intention of bandaging the pain and thus not being truthful that the child is not truly hers. That makes the kid feel unheard and unloved for his true identity- as a relinquished to adoption child. She had to admit I was right and admired me. Wanted to help her husband with his adoption feelings. I felt happy. Not like a victim, but survivor with abilities to help others.

I need to know myself, and believe in myself in order to accomplish anything. Yesterday, I did not because I was too down. The more I accept myself presently the more I can allow myself to change and grow. I felt soo guilty last night, but today I am more up and enthusiastic about myself. Therefore, I was happy with my daughter and we had an awesome time together all day. I laugh and sing and she enjoys it. I think she senses my energy, as I saw in The Aware Parenting Facebook group how a woman said that her son only began crying when she looked at herself and saw that her energy was blocked and not being true.

So I loved today when my daughter saw me acting silly and was encouraged to join and let me wash her hair. It became soo effortless and I almost felt like I was cheating. Lol but when good happens I always feel cheated, until I see that I deserved it. It is a journey. It is amazing what light beings children can be when we show them love. They will do anything and feel good. Like when I said we are going out, and she brought me one of my boots and said "boot" as if to egg me on.