Sit In Your Essence

Idealization continued. I discovered stuff about myself and the world. Thinking of growing and the blocks... One thing that blocks me is idealizing where I'm at as you all know. I heard that when people become religious they jump to highest place because it appeals to them but they just can't keep it up because they are simply not there. The whole body has to be there our else it is a farse and causes huge downfalls. The self-esteem is bitten and the person feels horrible.

We have to all accept where we are at in order to grow. Not doing so is false and creates discrepancy in thinking and doing. That is why you see very religious looking people on the outside doing very immoral things for the sake of rightness. It is not true, and a big confusion. It all starts from not knowing oneself and having arrogance. That is what G-d hates the most, because it is the opposite of the truth. The true essence of the person.

I learned not to be so hateful and shutting down about the idea of arrogance. I think I was imbued with contempt for it without understanding what it really was. I just felt like, "Hell no, not in a million years am I stepping anywhere near this emotion." But, congratulations, I did a pretty good job fooling myself, because I am FULL of that feeling. I have the narcissistic wounding that breeds arrogance like a germ. Spreading over all my thinking and actions. I judge myself and others at the drop of a pin. 

But this is changing. I am seeing it more for what it is- not such a monster.. But more of a reality. We all have arrogance because we are scared of facing our true insecurities. Jumping to seem like we are levels above our true places. For example, today I was judging my husband because he was sitting and enjoying a sandwich without seeming thought. I was thinking "He has no idea what the importance of life is, he is clueless as to spirituality...that he needs to hide from the pain of his non connection..." And I felt like hell. I was not accepting him. Because I was arrogant. I thought I was above him and felt indignant of having to be with him. It may have been true that he was disconnected but the problem was that I was being unaccepting. I may have had those same problems, and could not admit it to myself. I was being a victim.

It was time to be kinder to myself. So I let myself get food I wanted that was healthier. The thing is,  I have to accept where I am at and I struggle with always being fully present and spiritual. I have animalistic drives and I need to accept it. So it is easier for me to dress modestly, but I still struggle. The whole problem with the Jewish people is their inability to admit to their true level. They feel too guilty for it and it became a standard to hide your true vulnerabilities.

This is why the world looks down on us so much. They see people trying so hard to keep it together and pretend they are okay, that they cannot spread the true essence of the religion. That is, that G-d is Love and IS on every human being's side. We need more love and reaching out to each other, truly wanting to understand.

When I see my husband for how he is, I can be on his side. The problem comes when I have high expectations and can't handle his true self. When I focus on my own shortcomings I can judge him fairly without enmeshed view. Not accepting the truth puts us in hell, because we are trying to control others when in reality we can only control ourselves.

Life is glorious when you let others live. I used to sit down to the Shabbat dinner every Friday and feel extreme discrepancy with who I was and how my life was run. I thought, the ideal love of religion and life was impossible. I would never be happy doing what I "was supposed to." Keeping the laws and loving my family. Seemed way out of reach. But it was too painful to face because I did not see a way out. So I had to push on pretending I was truly present in life.

Now I am worlds apart thank Heaven. I stepped into my true body, and sometimes I let myself scream and feel totally disconnected. I am not a machine, I am human. I know sometimes I have no interest in doing anything. I sulk and whine and cry. I get annoyed at everyone. But I pull myself up again later and see that it was a setback and not whom I truly want to be. With all the errors, I am finding out who I am and learning to love myself.

You know what? I hate being nice to people when I don't feel like it. I hate thinking I have to because they are looking at me. I HATE SHUNNING MY TRUE VOICES. Oops didn't mean to scream. I also hate having to push the cart in shopping markets, and I HATE having to be perfect in cooking and buying foods. So yesterday, I let my husband push the cart without an ounce of guilt. I enjoyed myself. I also did not buy anything I was not in the mood of.

I laughed when my daughter walked up to people and tried to be friends with them. I did not fret as the women expected me too since my daughter had run off. I felt pain when I saw a baby cry in their carriage because the mother did not respond enough. I felt their pain of being unimportant enough. I stroked my daughter and paid her extra attention to assure that I still loved her.