Weakness Gives You Strength

It's funny, the more alone and misunderstood I feel, the more I grow. I have to face my inner pain and confusion. I have to learn who I am.

I saw on instagram that our souls know what we need to grow and will lead us there when we are ready. So I led myself into isolation? Weird but it worked. I now feel confident to face others, haters and enemies as well as good intentioned people. I want true intimacy, and not a showcase of it. I want to be deep, and no longer waste my time here. It is too precious. Having focus makes me able to discern who is real and makes me feel good and who is not. The journey is only getting scarier but I am prepared. I read that "I am somewhere between G-d's plan and G-d quit playin <:&." Lol that cracked me up.

But yeah, I no longer settle for shallow relating, and people are scared of me. Because I see through them a lot and am not scared to show it. Don't need them desperately to like me. The best feeling in the world is to be able to say something isn't serving me and to walk away.

G-d will take care of me. I gave up feeling like I had power over others to make me feel better. I sit in the dark and admit I am lost. It is the most beautiful and freeing thing I have done. To admit my pain and be vulnerable. It may look and feel soo very painful and ugly, but the feeling I get from facing it is incomparable... I have trust in myself! I know I am being myself step by step and no longer doubt my worth. I have worth, because I admit that I am not in control. I am a weak woman, and that makes me strong. I am myself. I love who I am.

I admit that I used to despise my attributes. Despised being too "female." Despised not being in control. Not being cool. It was an awful time for me, always having to hide who I was. And legit hating myself. I still meet people like that- ones who hate womanly traits and women in general. The ones who think that you have to in control to go places in life. This is all doing our culture and life a real misdemeanor because it is causing us to hate feeling. To put down in jokes the ideas of someone having emotions. People LAUGH when there are jokes about not being able to feel anything so running off to medicate pain with meaningless s*x. It is the furthest from funny. But since we can't handle it, we twist it into some kind of sick, objectified script. It's time to become one with our feelings. As Abby Miller said in The Way The Mind Works that we have been stuck trying to conform to the outer world of favoring masculinity and learned to detach from our feelings until we cannot feel. So now we are living in a time where feelings, feminine side, is becoming more important to face and not just seek to complete ourselves in others. We are here to complete ourselves. Loneliness is just projection of not feeling good enough. We need to complete ourselves, and give personal attention to our needs.

As long as I accept myself, I won't need to see myself in my husband. I need to live by myself, with him. He is soo different from me. He is a man and lives in the physical world much more than I do so I cannot understand him easily, and vice versa. He told me he is baffled by me yesterday, when I went on about my "revelations" and discoveries one by one as we were doing physical activities as usual. I giggled and felt magical. I told him he confused me too, and he said it was funny because he always thought of himself as simple and easy to get. Sometimes it feels very lonely with him, because of our opposite-ness. I need to uncover more of whom I am on my own, to show him so he can learn from it. And him too. I guess when we project on each other we can't really see objectively and respect one another. We think the other will be like us in thought process.