Keep Trying in Relationships

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I realized that feeling this pain makes me feel more real. Even though it is so defied by my outside world so I went on the adoptee group on Facebook and was well taken by them. They understand how it feels to not have validation from your close ones. I feel so rejected and worthless to everyone. I described how I felt on the phone with a cool professional who was putting down my requests for dna results to discover my birth grandfather. Also it was interesting, how one person was describing how her newly found birth mother rejected her hug. I replied that that sounds awful and my condolences. But I realized that I was also outwardly rejected by my adoptive mother. When she didn't pay attention to my pain and I felt like she never could so I had to hide my pain. My daughter must feel that same excruciating pain when I ignored her this morning as I concentrated on my own pain. And I cried a lot. She reached out to me again and again, saying "hug" as she learned she can ask when she wants from me. I hug her but feel empty. Like a vessel that has no love to give. I felt it yesterday, too. I heard someone say stop crying toca baby outside and it broke my heart. I heard it in the store as well.

I feel like a demon and kept judging myself for being so empty. But I must listen to my pain if I ever want to recover. That way I can eventually see my own daughter. I never want her to feel this consistent rejection the way I feel now. Because my mother was never even available to see me at all in my pain.

I think of the cruelty of mothers, when they hold back love and understanding of their children. I feel lucky I know it's importance, and the joy it brings. I know relationships are up and down, but the main thing is to keep trying. Keep coming back. That is what G-d does for us, and if He didn't we would never be here in the first place. Love.

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