Outer Happiness only Fulfills When it is Inside Too

I will be honest now. I need friends. People to be fully open with about what I feel and am going through, who can validate me and encourage me. I feel like a fraud, not myself, even when things are going perfectly well or better than good. Example: Today I was raised in spirits and decided to follow my wishes and got my daughter's ears pierced. I ignored my judging voice telling me I was being vain, and just let myself be happy and get something. I made phone calls, packed up, did my make up to look presentable and not at the mercy of professionals' appraisal, and we took the stroller and carrier for good measure and were off. The bus came, and I closed the stroller and hauled it on unbashfully despite all the onlookers. My daughter sat confidently in her seat and I tried to act natural. I felt good and I told myself I was good. Then we got there and I was happy that the women at the place were nice. I had trauma from past awkward times where I was treated badly and discarded, so I worked hard at playing it cool yet not too cold. It was a delicate balance, but I seemed to have got it right. It is very hard for adoptees I think to know how they come across to others because of the constant worry of rejection so trying to please. They smeared the numbing cream on my girl's ear lobes and we were told to be back in one hour, no later because of the schedule.

We went out and I decided to have lunch in a nearby cafe. They were very high end and I could not afford it, and the woman as women are was intuitive and picked it up. She spoke briskly and coldly to me and I acknowledged her judgement on me because of how I looked so I thanked her and left. My mood dropped because I had worked hard to put myself together smartly and thought I did well but I realised some people would never be pleased by me and that is okay. We went to a cheap pizza place that had perfectly fine food and although my daughter embarrassed me by her stubborn tantrum because I had "told" her what to do, I laughed awkwardly and then gave her proper loving attention despite some onlookers. I felt good at my effort and my mood soared as my daughter followed me and seemed pacified. A man that was trying to get by even smiled at me and her when I apologized sheepishly. I felt good. I ordered and tried my best to be myself and seem happy. I reminded myself that I had a right to be happy. I let ny daughter run freely and I was happy when she came to sit with me and ate some food I layed out for her. I noticed this morning that she was stubborn and never took the food I offered her because she wanted independence, so I worked it out that she felt like she was in charge of what she ate and she actually ate breakfast. Well, before she squished the banana between her fingers to a pulp because I had moved away something that I was nervous about her spilling. Sigh.

Anyway, she got the ears pierced and the lady was soo nice and loving to her that she was in rapt attention. I was amazed that she didn't even cry, the cream must have worked even though she had wiped it off of course. I thanked the women there profusely, only getting flustered once when they seemed to put me in a box of being ultra religious. I just wanted to belong no matter what we looked like, but they seemed to not be open to me. I tried being friendly anyway, and myself. Walked out feeling a bit dizzy, hurt.

We walked a bit and I tried to preserve my spirits. I felt off balance and questioned why. I realized: even when I receive what I wish, I felt undeserving and like I need to do more. I was thinking of food, but food is an illusion and cannot fix my mood. I sighed and wondered if I would ever feel fully happy. I wondered if I should just let go and join others forgetting my deep wound. But it wouldn't help things permanently. I feel in abyss.

I got home and worried about my daughter being rubbed off by me. I realized lately she is quieter and pensive in the morning, not letting me get too close. I worry. Am I ruining her innocence? I need to seperate. I do need friends.

I think about how all my past people I used to hang around, like my adoptive and birth brother/ family, biological sisters, cousins, all brought out my shallow happiness which was never enough for me. Going back to them would rob me. Make me feel unreal. Who I am is the one facing pain. Since I began I feel more alive. It's hard sometimes without them. I prayed for my sister who had surgery today. I wonder how she is. I do care. Just cannot give her all my energy.

Anyway. I talked to my daughter trying to explain it all. How I was scarred as a baby and now I don't know who I am. How I feel unwhole no matter what I accomplish. Yes sometimes I find myself, but I always fall back when I forget about it. The wound inside. I talk to myself and discover that what I need is to be seen. I don't trust myself to know my feelings are "legit." I need an outer reflection. Someone to see me and make me feel okay. Yes it sounds like narcissistic supply. How ironic. But maybe the Primal Wound causes c-ptsd that needs out childish needs to be met. To be selfish. I remember that I need to feel full inorder to see my daughter. As much as I want to fix her, I will never believe I can until I first fix myself.

So I took time off. I texted my birth sister and birth cousin. None answer. I feel shamed and like a pariah. I have to stop trying. They don't validate me. They are not in touch with feelings, so therefore do not know how to raise anyone or admit their feelings are okay. It hurts but I don't need to let them get to me. Only because I did not have boundaries with them do I feel hurt. Now I shall withdraw my attention from them.
 
It feels good to protect myself and listen to what I need. Being vulnerable does give you strength. Because you are not seeking people outside to fix you and seeing yourself. It is the opposite of selfish.

I glimpsed my true self today and I am proud of myself for it. Now I can go after what will help me.  Incidentally, strange dreams. I was against all my adoptive relatives and having a war with them. They all saw how I was right and won. I was so aggressive and hateful. Makes sense. Me against the world. It felt empowering. But it brought negative energy to my day. I have to trust in myself more and feel like I have a right to live.