Seeing My Mother's Human Side

Interesting today, in my high, I manifested an energetic time with my adoptive mother when she asked me to meet for plans for lunch. I went with questionable feelings, but when there I noticed her insecurity and projecting it onto me and quickly stopped it from affecting me. I talked about myself and did not let her faze me. I knew that she wanted to hear what I had to say, even though she opposed it from her own mindset. Or she knew by now not to try to change me. She just listened with her mouth agape when I explained about having my daughter gain self-confidence more important than not watching over her in order not to result in having her physical hurt. I was cheery and open about it, not forcing her to see but just stating my boundary. Looking back I see it made my daughter feel free. I spoke about my birth father, and she asked if he "Was happy this time." I said, people don't just become happy one day to the next when they lose 4 children to adoption. She nodded quietly. Then, she asked to see the article I wrote about adoption to show her therapist. I asked, do you mind if it has some things about you in how you did not listen to my pain, and she said no, I just want my therapist to see to know what I go through... That my kids feelings get to me. I said they are real feelings, she said partly. I said you know they are real. She said yes, but you have to see the good side too...make yourself happy. I said adamantly, "No you have to acknowledge reality otherwise you cannot be happy. You think I am not happy?" She looked dismayed and said no. I said I am happy. Yes I need more friends, but I am still happy.

I think she needs to see me doing things for myself, it teaches her she has the right to. She even mentioned getting remarried, even though she glorifies the idea that my father still needs her and she feels good being there for him. We walked outside, and this time she was happy to have me accompany her for errands and even asked me to go shopping with her. She listened as I told her some ideas about beauty being in being able to give to others with strength, and boundaries for yourself. I saw her insecurity in how she was excited to buy expensive tops, but then when it came to paying she was upset about it costing so much, but bought it anyway to "show that she did not just come to the store to use their bathroom." I sympathized with her. Not forcing her to change. That is what true connection with another is, seeing where they are at without judgement. Ross Rosenberg said in a video about how narcs are everywhere, that when you heal you can discern other people well and be detached from their offensive behavior because you know it is them. We had a nice time getting some coffee and groceries, and I felt like maybe we were bonding? Still don't feel that mother-daughter bond because of my hurt. She said my birth father is just protecting himself by only focusing on positive, because the pain is too much for him, so maybe I am doing the same with her- the detachment? I told my mother a bit about learning about the bond I feel with my husband and kid, and she said thanks for telling me and I am honored. I felt good. Walked away with refreshed feeling, not like she took anything from me. I did not give her power to affect me as much as last time.

I see that people in both my families are very disconnected, and sad. I live with this fact, as does my mother. So we bond over that pain, as we feel inside that there is no other option. We need to help one a nother. As long as it doesn't take away from us... And I needed a friend today.