Birth Father Outting

I went out with my birth father and his best friend today. He always talks about her and they seem like happy children together. She is 35 and him 51. She was fostered as a kid, and got in trouble in her youth and 20s, so she said she understood my feelings. I thought she would be more aggressive from how his mother made her sound but she was soft as a cookie. She was so giving to me and also said she was nervous to meet me, that I was pleasantly surprised. I was nervous too for how it would go, and felt annoyed the night before about having to wake up earlier for it. She was taking us to a fancy mall, because they had a sale on candles and soap she said.

I was quiet mostly, being honest and considerate. I felt too compliant and unsure of how to act, because she already knew I was religious and was being considerate about it. They both said how they wanted to make me happy and buy me what I wanted. They seemed surprised that I didn't demand anything and he kept saying that "I told you she wants to meet me mainly." I nodded as I hate taking anything because I don't trust in sincerity. She also said that because her family whom she is in contact with throughout all the abuse they put her through and their alcohol and drug addictions only takes from her. She answered that she is not sure she forgives her mom but guesses that she tries to be nice to be close to her.

There was something weird about the two, she seemed to only marry her older husband for financial help because my father said she would have married him had he had money. And they joked about how obsessed he was with her. And they spend every waking hour they could together. She said she wanted to be with him earlier on in the relationship, but he kept slipping away from her. Sounds like me familiar. My father admitted he didn't have close friends and liked to be alone only. I realized that was the same reason I did too. The sadness was too much to have company with people who didn't understand. I felt like these people processed their feelings. As she said, she was happy in life but sometimes needed time alone. I am glad I heard Richard Grannon say this morning that we need to focus on the pain to heal and nothing else would help. No chanting and no religious services.

We went to her house and she was honored to have me there becAuse she never had people over and hated her neighbors every where she was. I said it was my pleasure. My father played with her daughter ball and her husband was super kind to me. I was hurt that my father saw my daughter saying sit down over and over as she does as she sits, and he laughed at how she only said that. I said she said more but gets focused on stuff sometimes. I ate the food they bought me. My daughter was overtired and I worried about it. They offered me a bed but it wouldnt help. I had my social anxiety but his friend did too so we were very sensitive and seemed similar. It was getting later after I showed them pictures. I felt self centered and told them self consciously. But my father seemed to be invested in them. He seemed so alone suddenly. He lay on the couch and kept exclaiming wow and looking around. I wanted to sit near him but felt scared that it would look creepy. Still felt like a stranger. His friend praised my birth mother and seemed unthreatened by her. It was a weird story.

On the drive back she offered to bring all my stuff back with me and I was overwhelmed by her kindness. I told her that pain makes people sensitive and she agreed humbly saying not her. She said my father took care of her since she was 19 because she thinks he was trying to make up for not doing it for his kids. He was robbed he said. I was proud of him.

They finally drove us back and I was hurt when I realized they were going out to eat but my father had told me he was too tired when I asked him to go with me. I guess he feels more comfortable with and knows her better.

Got back and felt lonely. At least the couple hosting me had left town for a few days and let me have their whole house and food. I needed alone time. Ate a ton. Talked to husband about everything. Reflected and realized how rejected I felt. How sad it was for me that my own father was a stranger to me. And I knew he cared but felt untrusting of it. It was a flash of reality to see him in his life. Sad and in grief of losing us. It was real. I let myself cry and my tired daughter was scared and started babbling nervously. Or tired. It must have been weird for him to see me so loving with my daughter. But I got annoyed when he disrespected her by taking her away from the stairs as if she was a doll. I am seeing him more for who he is, and it is sad and not as glorifying.

Spoke to birth mother who called and told me her uncle came over and was nice. I told her about my day and she was happy for me. It was too good to be true. I thanked her and hung up.

Had to go out cuz I felt the pain was too overwhelming despite my daughter's tiredness. I couldn't be calm for her. Glad the Baby Calmer therapist told me the other day that it was better to be self soothing than try putting her first all the time.

I thought about the difficulty of going through reunion, and then that I wouldn't have it any other way. The highs and lows of it was what I have always needed and yearned for in my life. It brings me closer to my truth. I spoke to my birth father after going out to buy some breakfast items and air out. It was synchronicity, because we both felt the same way about spending the day together. My heart skipped a beat when he said he wanted to go swimming in his friend's pool with me. I love swimming too, and it gave me a chance to see more of him but again I feel weird and guilty got having the thoughts. I asked him if he liked his friend romantically, and he said yeah but she is married. He said her husband knew. Weird but I don't know his side. He said he wishes we could have spent our lives together from the start. I said me too. I think I had told him purposely that I did not bond with my adoptive parents to reassure him of my loyalty. But it was also true to me. We said goodnight we're tired. It was perfect.