Dreamy Day with Birth Dad

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I have been walking on a cloud today all day. Just being with my father was fantastic. I loved looking over at him and the whole day flew by like a dream. His friend picked us up and brought us to her house, and we swam and brought the special kosher food they got me. I kept being scared they didn't like me so I offered them all my food. It was a free for all house, with a pool in the back and lots of couches and toys for the kids. I was stuck in feeling like a person everyone was watching and played my role, even though I was frustrated that my daughter wasn't sleeping and felt over elated that my father loved me. It felt forbidden and exciting. I felt guilty that I was not so focused on the friend and worried that I was not being grateful enough. That I was too happy. We kept laughing and laughing when we didn't know what to say, and my father kept saying "This is great isn't it?" As if he was trying to make sure it was.

I loved comparing my body to my father's, and we compared hands which I definitely inherited from him. This morning the hostess I am staying at saw our pictures and said I looked nothing like my dad and it bothered me. I had my mom's coloring but my dad's bone structure a lot. He was the handsomest man I had ever seen when I saw him in a bathing suit. It was creepy because I just wanted to hug him and have him hold me, like a child I guess. I read about the reunion and genetic sensual attraction as Nancy Verrier calls it, so I wasn't too worried about it. He sat next to me for a minute in the car as we waited for everyone, and it felt delicious to be so close to him but I felt sad that it wasn't going to last. I loved his hug but at the same time worried that it was too much.

I kept worrying about what they thought of me, and felt worthless about myself. I was playing a role of good daughter, that never even knew her father so it was hard to pretend. I also had no idea why his friends were being so nice to me. I showed him videos on YouTube of my friends that I listen to, and he was impressed. They all listened to me talk to my husband on video chat, and seemed impressed with him. I was confused and tired and my husband told me so and that I should get back to go sleep. I was stressed about my daughter not sleeping.

Went back, ate some leftovers and put her to sleep. Now I'm realizing that my father really can love me for me because he sees himself in me. His friend reassured me when I thanked her profusely that she was happy to see her friend's family member and liked me. She cared deeply about my father and they did a lot for each other. It felt very real and deep connection. I can finally feel part of something. Like I am not a fraud. I told her in the car about adoptee books like The Primal Wound, and she said she'd read it to my father cuz he didn't read much. I was so grateful. She said she heard a lot of great things about me.

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