Letting Myself Show up

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Was really nervous today after as usual pretending to be a saint because "you need to be happy with your kid." I was ignoring my emotions. I was angry and impatient because I wanted to get things done instead of have to put my daughter to sleep. But she was tired because she woke up too early...

I wore my black ribbon to show I'm in mourning. It helped me yesterday be more present. I went out today and got stuff done with my daughter in tow in the stroller. I felt only a bit stupid when I was paying by the counter and felt awkward. I feel looked down on. Because of my credit card paying serious face. But reminded myself that I had cptsd that gave me social anxiety and besides the woman was not friendly either. Why let people suck my energy dry.

Got home, made myself proud by cooking and making nice food. Wow I am a super star house wife. Lol. I missed my father. My husband came home and I made him watch my daughter because I was getting edgy. I discovered that I was upset at her because I put too much effort into her needs over my own. Teal Swan's video about Trusting Yourself Workshop yesterday said that people in relationship should not get to middle ground because then they are going to resent their pain of it. Therefore, we should take in what the other wants as agreement of ourselves in relationship. So I didn't agree with what she needed at the moment. I started stomping around and showing my inner state and it felt freeing. She started whimpering and voicing her feeling, and I continued displaying mine. It felt empowering. Finally I was letting myself show up.

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