Mistakes Help Point the Way We Want To Go

I got frustrated after being in all afternoon waiting for my daughter to nap so we can go to Costco later before closing, and I remembered what Joe Soll said about my child self needing to be heard. And so I was ignoring it and causing it to be upset. I did not feel I had the right to want to go so badly.. I wanted some healthy foods that I felt were extra and not important enough to need. I was upset about not having them though. And then I remembered that I had already bought organic eggs in a grocery, even though it was way more expensive. But I still wanted the cashews and chia seeds. I sighed and felt stupid with myself.

And as usual I had no one to talk to that I feel comfortable with. So I forced myself to relax and let her relax. She was a bit hyper and so I closed my eyes and waited.

Finally I got impatient and thought to wait a while and bake until she was extra tired. I baked some gluten free banana cake and she actually came and helped me mix it. I told her, I love you and she jumped excitably and came up to me. I was more hopeful so I took her to put her to sleep. She was overtired, as she had been since the afternoon... And cried a lot when I tried to put her hair in a pony. I figured she was crying for the broken cookie reason, and showed that I was listening but also firm. It didn't work, and I got desperate. I thought about how I had not enough time for this and wanted to go tonight before the weekend because I need the stuff for going to my in-laws this weekend. For my inner child to be happy. And then I did something stupid and dumb. I tightened my grip on her hair and pushed my fingers onto her scalp a bit hard. She stared straight ahead, disassociated. It hit me what I had done and I felt terrible. I told her I am sorry, and she looked at me and seemed to not be there, just staring dumbly. She laughed suddenly, totally out of place. I recognized her pain and disbelief, and I wanted to cry. I hugged her and told her sorry, and that I hurt her. I said it again and again, at least I was admitting it. It was not enough, I felt her pain. I wanted her to know I meant it to ease her pain. I told her it was not her fault. I was sorry. She burst into angry, bitter tears, turning to the side to hide her shame. I felt soo sad because she felt like she was bad. Because of how I put my anger onto her. I thought and saw that it was not her fault, but only my impatience with her. She was normal and not a bad child, just wanted to play and be loved. And she didn't feel loved or relaxed around me so she didn't sleep. I hugged her and told her that I was angry and hurt her and I am sorry. I told her it was because of my pain. She screamed again and again. I felt regretful but also lighter because I got my anger out.

I needed to release my pain at not being listened to all along, and she was the only one there. That is how parents come to abuse their kids. They need to recognize their inner child and see where their own pain comes from. And talk it out instead of blaming or projecting it onto their kids. I see how this causes devastating results. I am glad I got to see it, and find my true feeling for her again and renewed love. I was missing in feeling till then because I was so stuck in my own need.