People Show What They Need

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It hit me this morning when watching Onision video called Emo the Prep Transformation... That people who are "emo" are really just trying to express a side of them that was never validated by their parents, pain. This goes for all people who are very verbal or expressive about certain things. The more one lacks, the more they go out of their way to fulfill that lack. Of course, adoptees who lack feeling of true connection to others will go out of their way to make sure they get it. Unless they are living unconsciously and are not aware of their painful feelings. Then, they would just keep pretending that everything is fine.

With me, whenever I am around unhealthy people emotionally, I get stricken and am triggered by them because I am so used to needing to please others for validation or sense of worth. As I grow and learn how to love myself, I find it harder and harder to be around such people because it is harder to feel good about myself. I cannot get validation or express myself because they often put me down or find me ridiculous for my claims. It is harder to stay true to my healing. I often slip and give in to their wishes, or just go stone silent like I did in high school for fear of being exploited in the unsafeness of the environment.
I also notice that as an adoptee that has it intrinsic to mirror others in order to gain approval, I can switch my "charm" on and get anyone happy, so it makes it harder to know when I am genuinely interested or not. I need to pay attention to my intuition more, and only give out my energy when I can. 

Joe Soll told me today in our session that I am truly remarkable because an adoptee specialist said that only 1 in a thousand adoptees actually work on their pain. I told him it was easy for me as breathing because it is my reality, but he said that most people are too scared to face their pain. I feel lucky and happy facing my pain because it enables me to feel more joy in life as I see how I change.

Now I just need more outer validation, because I still feel like a dream sometimes and not a concrete person. It is hard to be alone, and my triggers are becoming more often.

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