Self-Pitying and Hurting our Children Indirectly through Self-Hate

How can we feel good about ourselves when our parents shamed us and made us feel like crxp as children? They showed us that we couldn't be great, we could never rise up by their own example. Of never feel good enough, by acting as though who they are was something to be ashamed of. Their very emotions and desires were repressed. And so they made us feel like those desires in ourselves were bad.

It's no secret anymore, how parents make a child feel about himself shapes his own feelings and self-image. We can no longer pretend it is the kid who is bad, because kids are not born savages it is normal for them to be in ego state at that age. They just need to grow and develop until they can see themselves and others. When we shame them we stunt them.

It sounds like a scary dream but it is reality. That my self-perception directly affects my daughter's own in herself. That if I show I am ashamed of my true self, she will feel the same about herself and who she is will become locked away in shame and privacy. She will start to think that she has to hide it, and put a false persona to others. I feel so sad thinking about it. But it is not a time to be sad now, only to embrace my feelings and have self-compassion. Because as Ross Rosenberg said in his video today, when people who are wounded in childhood start spiraling and blaming themselves for what happened, they abuse themselves..it is a syndrome.

I can clearly remember my mother shaming me as a child, making me feel worthless unless I always had a chipper face and voice. If I was ever upset I was admonished or ignored or beaten. It hurt so bad and I learned to hate myself when I felt that way. If we are not aware of what happened to us and that it was not our fault, there is nothing wrong with having emotions we can heal and develop self-compassion. And then we can have it for our children, raising emotionally healthy ones.

I felt shame this morning for eating, because I felt stressed and worried about my schedule today. I caught myself blaming my daughter for not sleeping enough or not letting me enjoy my day. I did not realize, but I was seeing her as my adoptive mother who never let me be myself.  She felt shamed so she clung to me, still trying to gain my affection. I realized how she loves me no matter what I do and I always have a chance at correcting myself. I fought my feelings and gave myself allowance for them. When the workers came to install the stove and washer we went to the room and I was gonna watch her there. She kept saying "stop eating" and it filled me with shame. I then tried to get her to be happy by playing music but she was too ashamed to dance in front of me and I felt bad for stifling her just because of my bad mood. I sometimes wish I can see how much I mean to her more clearly and she can tell me outright how I hurt her by ignoring or shaming her, but I know she is too young to verbalize it and just takes it in because she is too young to feel separate and stand up for herself even when I mistreat her. She feels so small and insignificant, and relies on my feeling of her so greatly.