Projecting Our Inner Fragmentation on Others Makes Us Need To Control Them

We can only change others if we are whole inside. Otherwise, they will sense that we are trying to control them... For our own sake. To make us feel better about our own blocks.

I realized this as I was trying to make new friends. I wanted validation for who I am... But I get confused with how much I want. I know that I need to have self-love first because then I am just relying on others for my self-worth. To make me feel good about my shortcomings. And then it usually falls flat, because they cannot fully contain all my issues. Joe Soll my adoption therapist, told me that a husband or wife cannot be a therapist to one another. That makes perfect sense, because they need to live alongside each other, and not constantly dealing with each other's issues.

I guess, I confess, that I have been trying to change other people in every relationship in my past. I did not accept their differing viewpoints, because I felt so in lack myself, and thought that I had to get other's approval in order to feel good about myself. I still see this in some people, where they try to control me, perhaps not consciously, because they need to feel good about themselves. It sometimes enrages me, because my adoptive mother was very controlling of me and needed me to be perfect in order to deserve any praise at all. She constantly criticized me, and told me I was not acting right or proper etc. She told me I cannot make friends because I was too intense, and that I couldn't hold down a job or have my own family because I was too disorganised... These things all got to me. The truth was, that she was projecting her own insecurities on me and did not try to understand me to encourage me. She did not act motherly and nurturing as she should have.

And now I still need that mothering and a voice of compassion. I am harsh with myself, and in order to learn to form friendships I need to stop being harsh with others and myself too. Also my daughter. I tend to start fretting when she is upset, and bypass my own feelings to "fix" her. Instead of instilling compassion and confidence in her ability to be happy. I need to fix my inner fragmentation.

When we have wholeness inside, we can be objective and accept others unconditionally. The world could be a better, kinder and accepting place. With more open-minded people.