Finally Accepting Myself

I am realizing more now that my daughter is affected by my withdrawing because I can’t focus and be present, and I am lacking seriously in love. It comes from the lack of love for my certain parts, thinking they are unlovable. It scares me when I see her talking on and on to me, trying to extract attention from me in neediness to be seen. It also worries me when I see her not feeling comfortable to eat, because I am not paying attention to her and making her feel comfortable. I worry that she hides her pain of not being loved because I am impatient and short with her at times, I guess because my own inner self was not loved enough at her age. She also tries to hand me back food, as if imitating me trying to please her.

I also realized that my intake of not the healthiest foods, like corn cakes and cheese, teaches me to want them also, and then I give them to her those kids of food and keep salad and fruits for myself, while she just nimbles on them. This makes me realize that I am not either ready to only eat fruit and vegetables, and I have stress at myself and her when we eat non healthy. It is an addictive habit I have, and I can’t force myself to be perfect when I am not, nor can I expect my daughter to want to eat healthier than me when she sees me eat stressfully sometimes. Often, actually.

This applies to my level of presence with her. She mirrors back how present I am, by looking worried and spaced out often. And talking hyperactively at times. It scares me that I always thought I was okay as a mother and she felt loved.

All in all, I have to pay more attention to myself. I need to stop focusing so much on her and what she needs, I should worry about my own needs, and hers will come later. This way, I can stop judging her as too needy or insatiable in love, because it is hurting her. I can only change myself.

Was thinking about it as I walked today, watching all the people on the streets. For the first time, I didn’t judge the fancy rich women, who were obviously just in pain and looking for a way out. They didn’t truly feel good about themselves, just like I didn’t about myself at times. It was like the world was different to me, and I finally felt at peace somewhat with everyone. I no longer feel like the only victim, because I realized we are all in the same boat. All nervous and panicking about life. We are all connected, as humans, no one is better than the other. My daughter shows me this, by being herself and worthy of love even though she is so small and inexperienced. She is real, and I have respect for who she is, and that is what being a mother is about. Loving their child no matter what they do or don’t do. As John Bradshaw speaks about, spirituality can only come about from “being,” who we are. Toxic shame causes one to feel more or less than human, and therefore is not the real self, and does not allow one to grow spiritually (Healing the Shame That Binds You).

I finally feel human, and deserving of things like everyone else. I used to feel like a freak and unworthy of anything because I had not enough achievements, as adoptees often feel due to being relinquished as a baby (Nancy Verrier -The Primal Wound). I now understand why someone would love me, I am very good at being unconditionally present and caring about others. I do care, and about myself as well. I have a long way to go to showing it to people I love, but I will keep trying and never give up.