Facing the Truth

The more I focus on my truth, the more others bend to it I noticed. We went to visit my adoptive mother by her sister's house today, to be a good daughter.

I started talking about adoptee's feelings to my uncle, who seemed recipient of it, despite his answer that they loved me and my adopted brother as family and always saw us as part of them... It seems these people have a hard time thinking about emotions and can't stop being logical. As my husband says, logic brings more pain though because it makes you repress your feelings so you can't have them.

My aunt scolded him that he did not let me talk about my feelings, as that was the point. She did read about adoption for me, and so she understood my pain. She said, "Let her process it.. She never knew this that the family loved her.." and I felt grateful.

My mother as usual admonished me that whatever she did was never enough for me, and I felt her bitterness. I felt like she needs me to make her feel good about herself and cannot accept any blame about her mistAkes.

I see how when I'm honest about my pain it is clearer and irresputable with others. It frees you and others to be honest. I feel like I am coming more into myself, by admitting my vulnerability and being surprised by how they accepted me. I think it freed them from acting their script too.

I think they do not understand that kids are worthy, and think that they need to be squandered in their feelings especially by how they keep giving my daughter sweets.

What was interesting was that I said I can be a better mother now that I face adoption trauma, because I appreciate having a daughter that is biologically mine. They agreed, but then my aunt was worried about my projecting my abandonment issues on her. I said it is still better than I am working my myself, because it is reality that I was traumatized, and hiding it from my daughter will confuse her. Because she inevitably will face my consequences. She is my daughter. They don't understand that a child can only feel loved if their mother feels self love. She can only be as free as I feel inside.

I also admired aloud how she is like me, in how she understands people and is deep. We can see the true nature of a child when we see how they are different from their nature, and nurture. Which is what adoption causes- because the adoptee is essentially not connected to his nature- having no mirrors of how he is, and nurture because the adoptive family nurturing is apparent in him when he meets the birth family.