The Only Way To Be Happy Is To Experience Your Pain

Sweet food, fooling me into oblivious blissful comfort. Sitting cross-legged on the pretty wooden stools drenched in pain inside. From I don't know where. But I am dreading having to work to put my daughter to sleep. I need to figure this out.

The old comforts don't work anymore. It feels uncomfortable to escape to food, when I know the truth of my pain and that it needs to be heard to heal. Joe Soll told me this morning, that it is beautiful that I can see and feel my pain and that all my life I knew it was there. I didn't feel it was beautiful, I am so used to it and feeling on the outside because of it. As everyone and everything shamed me to bits. As my daughter cries for me now, I feel frustrated with her that she can't understand me. When it is illogical to think that she should. But I need to write this.

I almost understand why they ignored my cries and tantrums as a child. It is so disruptive and you just want it to stop. But if you look at the child you can know they need you. Unless you are really disconnected from them as humans and you have no guilt inside at ignoring pain. My mother never apologized, nor validated my pain since then. I still feel abnormal around her with my feelings. Even though I told her numerous times where it's sourced. I still see that she denies it, that babies can experience pain that affects them over a lifetime.

But anyway. I can't deny that I have never wavered from my feeling pain, despite all the denial of it around me. I do not know why I am so strong about it. Maybe because it is my main quality, I have not much else to offer aside from being unapologetically myself. And as I grow more into that, I am terrified but excited at the same time. I know I can never go back to ignoring my feelings fully, as Teal Swan says. I am in transition stage of becoming more spiritually awake, by listening to my heart and intuition over my logic. Because logic has always won the better of me, telling me not to be myself because nobody credited it. Stress from cognitive dissonance plagued me daily, ruining my life.

It feels against logic to let myself be myself. Against logic to ignore my parents and neighbors, who did so much for me. But it is right for me now, to begin to love myself. It feels against logic to have no companionship, but it is what my heart needs now, at least until I find those who resonate. Pretending I am happy when I am not is against my own body and hurts me. So I trudge along, listening to it's instincts and diving into the fragmentation. I find that happiness comes most at the times I am naturally myself, pain and all. I am honest about myself to others, and I see that my daughter is more herself too. And others actually interact with me more than usual.

I try to capture the happy moments, like when my daughter hands me some magazine and says "present for you." I marvel at how intuitive and smart she is, like me. Or how she naturally flows into action when I am myself, and we eat together happily with her rummaging around to her desire. I am hopeful that this child will know her mind and soul better than I ever did at childhood.