March 14- Getting Real About This Shxtshow

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Hi! It’s been more than a year I guess since my last blog post. I decided to make an update, and honestly I kind of miss writing to the world. I don’t know if anyone reads it seriously, but I feel the need to get thoughts out and sometimes emotions and realizations get so strong that I have to put them out somewhere. 

 I want to say some thoughts I have. Adoption related and other. I realized that it’s very important to speak my truth, because even if no one listens, I get to feel validated myself. I have a very hard personality where I kind of depend like on others’ to feel like myself, so I tend to try to please them and not pay attention to my own feelings. I cringe reading the titles of these posts, I do not even want to look at them just now, because they sound preachy and unreal to me. Like I was trying so hard to be perfect and sound smart, but really was not being real. 

 But anyway I may slip up into that again. I’m sorry lol to all reading this. Ok that’s the introduction. I am human and adopted, so it makes things even more confusing... 

 Here’s something I struggle with greatly: feeling able to be myself, all the tumultuous emotions included, and a worthy person of society. It’s my greatest fear that I am really nothing, and not worth love. I struggle with hateful self-doubt daily, but it is especially worst when I am with my daughter all day- she is 3.5 years old. She triggers me to remember all my selfishness when I am with her. Something about my knowing that I have to give her unconditional love, when I am not feeling it. I am so harsh with myself.

 So I read today ironically, the first page I opened up to in Adoption Healing.. a Path to Recovery by Joe Soll, that babies depend on their mothers, and so being adopted is the worst thing a person can go through as a baby because it causes a “Primal Wound,” in which the baby loses a part of himself due to the person he needed most is gone. The rage and unmet needs he feels causes him to shut down and not trust. Also, adoptive parents often do not know what to do when this happens, because they are insecure themselves as they can have infertility issues, and already do not trust themselves with having a motherly instinct. 

 This made me incredibly sad, that so much of my truth was repressed and invalidated by my family. I feel so alone and small. I feel guilty saying this, as though I’m complaining. But as a friend of mine, Brian James on YouTube, said that he has the most trouble with admitting he’s a victim.... I feel the same way. 
He’s an adoptee, too.

 Haha here is my incoherent speech as I try to get my words out. I feel like I’m crazy, hiding in the underground somewhere writing this.. as if it’s supposed to be a big secret no one can know. It does feel that way, because like I have seen it myself in my adoptive family, the adoptees’ feelings are NOT to be said or important. These selfish adoptive parents and enablers. I can’t stand it. Sorry, I am having a lot of anger now. 

 This is MY LIFE I’m talking about, excuse me for wanting to be seen and heard. 
Haha maybe that’s enough for now because I am too triggered. I am stopping to pretend to be cheery when I am not . I stopped doing that a long time ago, but people still didn’t get it. Maybe I have to do it more. To embrace the anger and frustration so I can be real.

Honestly my kid triggers it in me because I KNOW I’m not acting right but since I tend to pretend I am perfect all the time, I see her hurt and it bothers my conscious I guess. I can’t hide from my evil traits after all.

I am NOT abusive, don’t get it wrong. But I sometimes lose my temper and yell at her. I throw fits when she does, because I get wound up. THAT is why I am writing this blog to save my life and hers.

Thanks! Please listen to me.

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