A Dusty House because of a Dusty Mind

          About this hologram thing, that we attract what we are on a vibrational level... I have been having a hard time manifesting creativity at times. It made me realize that it is because I don't believe in myself. I simply don't know who or what I am sometimes. It was weird, we got to the country neighborhood that we were checking out to move to, and suddenly I was thrown into a home that felt very unresonating  with me. It was a mess and cold, with questionably clean linen and the bathroom was up a flight of stairs. I also did not like the lady who opened the door to great us, with her cheery voice at half past midnight, asking me what my daughter's name was and then telling me it's the same as her daughters', as if we now were best friends, I don't know what it is, but I have aversions to people who try to befriend you without even getting to know you. And, as an adoptee, it takes a lot to get to know me. I feel I have layers upon layers to my personality, so a simple sentence like, "I like your name," does not earn anyone a ticket to being in my space. I agree that it sounds guarded, but then again, people with fragile cores need to guard their lone possessions. It is also important that people prove their trustworthiness to you before you let your guard down, but that's for another topic.

          Anyway, I was seething by the time we got to our cold, not clean room, and found that I left important items at home. I went to sleep exasperated, beginning myself to figure things out. The next morning, after the husband did not even make us feel comfortable to eat anything for breakfast, and when I decided we were heading to the nearest Starbucks to get coffee and told him we were going out and he didn't even realize that we hadn't eaten a thing, I broke down in the car. I felt spun out of control, and unsure of who I was! Is a messy, unexpected situation really a catalyst in making me forget my identity? What was it?

          My inner world was something like this: "you are unimportant, nobody knows what you expect to get, you always mess up yourself getting into unfit situations where you don't belong."

         So where do I belong?? In a familiar house, like a baby that needs his mother? Yes. That was what my old,dirty, and dusty hologram was dying for, and so used to having a lack of. So, being thrown into a situation that resembled it SO much, I reverted straight into it, not unlike the dusty house I had attracted with it.

         Not unlike being triggered from emotional flashback of a staggeringly helpless memory. It is up to us to see how we react and realize what is happening.

         We all have set-backs, and this was one. I ignored my intuition,, and cut my new and improved true self from feeling worthy of NEW and SHINY experiences.

           Thanks for reading,
            An Adoptee Heart