Inner World Creates Action World
My daughter was trying to get my attention. She was under the covers playing hiding with me, wanting to be close. I pretended to make my hand come in- I guess I was enacting what I felt was going on- that I wasn’t listening to her enough and she was hurt by me, so she was scared of the hand. She was yelping that it’s a monster trying to get her. She laughed so much, with all her pent up stress. It was fun for me too. Soon the hand switched to being her friend, and she pretended to invite it in to her under-the-blanket house, with my “knocking.” She then wanted me to ask her what she did, like a song we sing about the family fingers... and then I played back and asked her if I can go to sleep because I was tired. She said yes, and I rested my hand on her, wherever she felt comfortable. If she didn’t want me to touch her, I lay my hand down on my body. It went on for a while, until I started watching my thoughts as I realized I was in pain and stressed. I felt angry at myself. I recognized my inner child wanting attention, and so I sat up and told my daughter to give me a few moments. She protested, but I was firm. I felt my frustration and anger that she wasn’t listening, and realized how bad it would be if I acted out on it. So I watched it, and saw that I needed time to grieve losses in my life. Such as my love not talking to me, and my feeling unloved by my family. There was nothing I could do about it but let the emotions be. I relaxed, and listened to a video about reality of life. My daughter fell asleep in minutes. It was pure proof to me that things that happen in life are manifested from our inner emotions.
I think about the past, and how stuck I was in not believing I made a difference. I am glad to be improving.
Everything we feel is actually real and showing up in our actions. Such as, our pain that we cannot face shows up by our addictions to materialism, to cover up our pain. We are ashamed of our true self, our needs which we see are flaws. When we hate parts of ourselves, we are not whole and actually in denial of reality. There is no way we can be spiritual that way. Everything we truly feel will show up in our lives, over and over. When we embrace this, we are truly living and whole the way we were meant to live.
If we are open to our pain, and not shame it, we can live more productively as the energy spent covering up our shame and pretending not to feel the way we do can be freed.
As someone who grew up in an Orthodox Jewish Community, there was a lot of repressed shame and covering it up with money and possessions. In my narcissistic family life, I was terrified of showing my pain in any way other than shutting down or using screaming to get my way. This was all that was modeled to me, and I didn’t know how to healthily communicate my feelings. I thought having anger meant I was bad, and I internalized the feeling that I was shameful for having anger. Currently I still struggle with allowing the full range of my feelings to exist, when I cannot numb them out any longer. I find myself feeling awful about myself, that when I talk to my daughter and see that she is gigging at something I did or said, my mind is in discrepancy. I think, how can she look up to me so much? I feel like such an awful, selfish, needy person. It is all tricks from my childhood, of feeling unworthy of love. This feeling causes me to run away from my emotions most of the time, bingeing on snacking, and being in my head most of the day with thinking of what I should be doing next. I don’t know how to live in the moment. Kids are always in their right brain, and I am envious and shocked at my daughter’s pure happiness at everything she is involved in.
Proof that I’m actually a great and qualified person, is that I have a kid. I am doing the actions needed to raise her in a healthy way, and no that does not mean her wearing all the latest fashion and having the most expensive carriage. The skewed so-called-religious upbringing tends to force those stupid beliefs on many, that if we don’t have those things we are not good enough as a human being. This impairs our self-esteem, and makes it harder for us to show up for our kids and value them for who they are. It narrowed and restricts our lives to be less than what we are capable of.
Restricting emotions are the opposite of living. Keeping our pain and suffering under lock, will keep us stuck with it. In order to be creative one must embrace all the sides of him, negative and positive. Shame of self keeps him feeling like something is missing.
When we take away the front that we are okay, and face our true selves, we can love others and not feel less than or better than them, based on superficiality. That is the main problem in our world, where fights and passive aggressive resentment comes up, because we are not connecting with our true selves- the pure, innocent part of us that just wants to be. It’s the G-dly part of us that we are born with, without the programming of being disconnected from others yet. This happens through our parents shaming our needs, and causing us to feel we are only loved when we “do,” instead of for who we are.
My entire life was spent trying to figure out how to be, instead of embracing who I was. I didn’t know that the pain I lived with was not my fault, that I was lovable and as special as I deep down knew I was but was covered by other’s squashing my true self.
I think about the past, and how stuck I was in not believing I made a difference. I am glad to be improving.
Everything we feel is actually real and showing up in our actions. Such as, our pain that we cannot face shows up by our addictions to materialism, to cover up our pain. We are ashamed of our true self, our needs which we see are flaws. When we hate parts of ourselves, we are not whole and actually in denial of reality. There is no way we can be spiritual that way. Everything we truly feel will show up in our lives, over and over. When we embrace this, we are truly living and whole the way we were meant to live.
If we are open to our pain, and not shame it, we can live more productively as the energy spent covering up our shame and pretending not to feel the way we do can be freed.
As someone who grew up in an Orthodox Jewish Community, there was a lot of repressed shame and covering it up with money and possessions. In my narcissistic family life, I was terrified of showing my pain in any way other than shutting down or using screaming to get my way. This was all that was modeled to me, and I didn’t know how to healthily communicate my feelings. I thought having anger meant I was bad, and I internalized the feeling that I was shameful for having anger. Currently I still struggle with allowing the full range of my feelings to exist, when I cannot numb them out any longer. I find myself feeling awful about myself, that when I talk to my daughter and see that she is gigging at something I did or said, my mind is in discrepancy. I think, how can she look up to me so much? I feel like such an awful, selfish, needy person. It is all tricks from my childhood, of feeling unworthy of love. This feeling causes me to run away from my emotions most of the time, bingeing on snacking, and being in my head most of the day with thinking of what I should be doing next. I don’t know how to live in the moment. Kids are always in their right brain, and I am envious and shocked at my daughter’s pure happiness at everything she is involved in.
Proof that I’m actually a great and qualified person, is that I have a kid. I am doing the actions needed to raise her in a healthy way, and no that does not mean her wearing all the latest fashion and having the most expensive carriage. The skewed so-called-religious upbringing tends to force those stupid beliefs on many, that if we don’t have those things we are not good enough as a human being. This impairs our self-esteem, and makes it harder for us to show up for our kids and value them for who they are. It narrowed and restricts our lives to be less than what we are capable of.
Restricting emotions are the opposite of living. Keeping our pain and suffering under lock, will keep us stuck with it. In order to be creative one must embrace all the sides of him, negative and positive. Shame of self keeps him feeling like something is missing.
When we take away the front that we are okay, and face our true selves, we can love others and not feel less than or better than them, based on superficiality. That is the main problem in our world, where fights and passive aggressive resentment comes up, because we are not connecting with our true selves- the pure, innocent part of us that just wants to be. It’s the G-dly part of us that we are born with, without the programming of being disconnected from others yet. This happens through our parents shaming our needs, and causing us to feel we are only loved when we “do,” instead of for who we are.
My entire life was spent trying to figure out how to be, instead of embracing who I was. I didn’t know that the pain I lived with was not my fault, that I was lovable and as special as I deep down knew I was but was covered by other’s squashing my true self.
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