Owning my Repressed Trauma
I get scared a lot that I project my emotions on my daughter, and to what extent is she feeling loved? I often get stressed out about everything in life, but I repress myself to meet her needs. It’s an instinct I have that I was raised with, hyper vigilance as a baby to meet my adoptive parent’s needs of me, so that I disowned my true self. Nancy Verrier in Coming Home To Self states, “hyper vigilance and hyperarousal are manifestations of separation trauma (Page 9). “A human baby is no more primed to be separated from his mother than any other mammal. ... it feels wrong... to both the baby and mother. Neither completely recovers from this abomination of nature” (Page 347).
I constantly worry that my kid feels unloved. I have to remind myself that she is not adopted, and is genetically mine. It’s weird how all my life nobody accepted my reality of not having my biological parents in life, and acted like my adoptive parents was all I had and I was made to feel normal. It messes with me now, as I still don’t validate my story, and get upset and frustrated when my child doesn’t listen to me... it’s like I expect her to parent me, which obviously won’t work. These are deep seated, repressed feelings I have from years of life, so it’s hard to change now. It’s the implicit brain memories that do not have reason for the way I react to situations, truly PTSD-like. A trauma causes high levels of cortisol and adrenaline in the body, so that the fight or flight signal is always on, and one does not know if there’s actually danger or not. Since adoption was a preverbal trauma, there is no preverbal trauma and it leads to the person thinking that their personality is this way (Page 9).
I’m realizing more and more that other people have these issues too, being disregulated in the way they deal with emotions. Such as the guy who loved me, but he had a hard time trusting me and got so hurt by me when I was treating him like he didn’t matter to me. This being triggered by my own shame and low self-worth. Now I feel abandoned and very broken in ego, like it’s all my fault. It’s partly my fault, but partly his as well. Adoptees attract people who are wounded the same way that they are, in their limbic brain wounds, says Verrier (Page 450).
The flooding of pain from this situation eats at me, and I have a hard time focusing and being there for my daughter. I want to be able to focus on myself and not have to be there for her, because I am suffering so much. My suffering is invisible, because I always expect myself to be “good,” to please others so I have a hard time validating myself. Verrier says if a baby is not attuned to in the irreversible event of separation trauma, they develop coping mechanisms to “adapt to his new environment and situation” so as not to get abandoned again... and the child is in an “unresolved state of grief” (Page 382). The authentic self of the adoptee can be buried under the “adaptive, compliant, false self” and the parents would never even know that the child feels so wrong (Page 385). I can’t validate her neediness of me, and it drives me crazy because I feel like a child myself in these stressful moments. I just have to get it all out to understand why I am struggling. What the adoptive parents see as real about the adoptee feels so unreal to him, because it forces him to disconnect from his biological family, something that is so primal and true about him! Therefore it is no wonder he can feel crazy (Page 385).
When children use counterwill, it is because they do not have a strong will and they feel overpowered by their parents so they push back. It’s not their fault, and it’s because of they need self-regulation. This comes from the adults, but the adult is not self-regulated themselves and so they are reacting by being upset at their child. They are unconscious about their true stress, and blaming it on the child. Gabor Mate explains in Scattered that counterwill comes from a child who does not have a strong core self yet, and when parents try to control him he is just protecting himself (Page 189). “‘Supporting the child’s autonomy’... ‘means being able to take the other person’s perspective and work from there. ... it may very well require setting limits. But autonomy support functions through encouragement, not pressure’” (Page 205). This is what’s been happening with me, when my kid overreacts and is hyperactive, it’s like she’s begging me to be there to give her limits and show her what she should be doing.
I hadn’t realized this, that I need to set boundaries with other people because otherwise I am triggered or have picked up the habit of being compliant. This is my ego, the way I was raised... I identified with being overly kind to others, and rejected my true feelings of neediness and anger. It started with my adoptive brother, where he was loud and acting out, and I resented and got triggered by his lack of boundaries, seeing myself as the good one and him as unacceptable. It was not my fault, but just the way I coped with my pain. I expected other people to be kind and considerate of me, or I rejected them. I rejected my own pain and angry feelings, so it only makes sense.
Meanwhile, both of us felt unseen, but I could not see that because of my own pain. And I’m thinking that everyone wants to be seen for their true feelings, and not just the defense mechanisms they put up to protect themselves. When we feel rejected we repress our own ego needs, and take on false egos as a cover up for them, pretending that they don’t exist. They are still there, but are hidden in our subconscious. We can see them in others but not in ourselves, because we are so shamed in it.
The more a mother can accept her child, all sides, the more the child will love and accept himself and not have to repress his own self with shame.
I was having a hard time with boundaries today with my daughter. I felt she was taking up all my space, when I was anxious. The thoughts in my head where feeling powerless, feeling like there was no way I would get my needs met, like her needs for my attention was endless and if I gave in there was no way of comforting her. It sent me into a shame spiral, when I felt like a bad mother. I remembered Gabor Mate in Scattered talking about how when a child acts up, is using counterwill, it is because he needs boundaries and for the parents to be able to emotionally regulate him, instead of forcing him to do things because of their own needing power. The forcing him does not let him have autonomy, and hurts him, so he fights back to protect his will. It’s a normal reaction, and the way the child is trying to not be overpowered and lose his own freedom. I got afraid to force her, and realized I needed control of my own emotions. I was unwilling to set boundaries because I was unprepared for her to be oppositional, was afraid of not being able to calm her down.
Teal Swan’s video called Self Soothing Process calmed me down and made me realize how I was running from my own pain and fear of facing my emotions. I admitted I was feeling powerless, having thoughts of not being able to be heard. I felt alone, rejected, abandoned by all those I loved, fearful of rejection, and in shame for not being good enough. The way I wanted to feel was competent, safe to feel, supported, in control. The thoughts I wanted to think was I am together, I am safe, I am good enough to feel my emotions.
How was I going to get from point A to B, as Teal says is the process to integrate our feelings towards what we wanted. First, I had to express what I felt was holding me back. I was feeling powerless because my mother never heard my emotions, and rejected who I am. I felt alone and ashamed because she and others made me feel incompetent and like a not enough human being because of my trauma. I felt misunderstood because I was never able to talk about my feelings. How I would take steps to get to point B was the next part, and it had to be steps that were actually available in my mind; I saw as possible. I would listen to my emotions, and allow them to be there. I would talk to people who made me feel real, such as adoptees who got it. People who did not shame my pain and expression. I would be firm with my daughter about my needs, because I am important and a human being. In order for her to feel safe anyway was if I was feeling safe.
It worked. At first, I told her to stop laying on me when it was bothering me, and she actually started crying genuine tears. For the first time at home today she was expressing her pain. The other time she was upset, such as when I hit her in frustration at her banging the door and causing my foot to get scraped, she was screeching in these shortened breaths and stopping, like when she saw me the pain couldn’t come out. I was watching her, feeling hopeless and desperate for her to feel good so she must have sensed it. She lay on a chair trying to scream but all that came out where rusty sounds. It was sad. I felt at that moment that I was the worst, most uncaring mother in the world, and the way I could imagine my own mother at that age. It was truly depressing.
The next time she had tried to cry was before she was going to sleep, and I had been totally ignoring her because of my anxiety, and she ran out of bed. She was making noisy sounds, and went into her “closet” house, shutting the door. She tried crying inside, but then knocked on the door asking me to come. I watched, wishing I could help her and show her love. I was in my ego of needing love too though. I felt I was perfect, and couldn’t be that needy so I pushed the feelings away.
I do want to mention that the fact that my daughter wants me close to her, and pines for my attention, is a good thing because it shows that she still is connected to me. I am too hard on myself thinking she feels unloved all the time. That is a blanket statement, and shows the immaturity of my mind to think in absolutes, and is a result of non emotional regulating in childhood... But I was projecting feeling unloved onto her, when she does feel my love at certain times, and is hyper because she is waiting for me to return to being there for her.
All this feels painful, but good to talk about. I am ashamed of myself, for being stuck in my ego so much.. I am mostly hurt that the love in my life is not here now. It feels like I’m all alone, and in danger unless I do all my work and be perfect. That was my flooded pain from my babyhood and childhood, which I have no control over due to it being part of my limbic system and my go to emotions at the trigger of it. I cannot run away from it forever, and it’s important to face it and heal. I can be whole, I can be loved... even with all my pain and sadness/loneliness feeling unworthy of love and connection. Those was my past belief, and not the reality of life and the place I am in now.
I constantly worry that my kid feels unloved. I have to remind myself that she is not adopted, and is genetically mine. It’s weird how all my life nobody accepted my reality of not having my biological parents in life, and acted like my adoptive parents was all I had and I was made to feel normal. It messes with me now, as I still don’t validate my story, and get upset and frustrated when my child doesn’t listen to me... it’s like I expect her to parent me, which obviously won’t work. These are deep seated, repressed feelings I have from years of life, so it’s hard to change now. It’s the implicit brain memories that do not have reason for the way I react to situations, truly PTSD-like. A trauma causes high levels of cortisol and adrenaline in the body, so that the fight or flight signal is always on, and one does not know if there’s actually danger or not. Since adoption was a preverbal trauma, there is no preverbal trauma and it leads to the person thinking that their personality is this way (Page 9).
I’m realizing more and more that other people have these issues too, being disregulated in the way they deal with emotions. Such as the guy who loved me, but he had a hard time trusting me and got so hurt by me when I was treating him like he didn’t matter to me. This being triggered by my own shame and low self-worth. Now I feel abandoned and very broken in ego, like it’s all my fault. It’s partly my fault, but partly his as well. Adoptees attract people who are wounded the same way that they are, in their limbic brain wounds, says Verrier (Page 450).
The flooding of pain from this situation eats at me, and I have a hard time focusing and being there for my daughter. I want to be able to focus on myself and not have to be there for her, because I am suffering so much. My suffering is invisible, because I always expect myself to be “good,” to please others so I have a hard time validating myself. Verrier says if a baby is not attuned to in the irreversible event of separation trauma, they develop coping mechanisms to “adapt to his new environment and situation” so as not to get abandoned again... and the child is in an “unresolved state of grief” (Page 382). The authentic self of the adoptee can be buried under the “adaptive, compliant, false self” and the parents would never even know that the child feels so wrong (Page 385). I can’t validate her neediness of me, and it drives me crazy because I feel like a child myself in these stressful moments. I just have to get it all out to understand why I am struggling. What the adoptive parents see as real about the adoptee feels so unreal to him, because it forces him to disconnect from his biological family, something that is so primal and true about him! Therefore it is no wonder he can feel crazy (Page 385).
When children use counterwill, it is because they do not have a strong will and they feel overpowered by their parents so they push back. It’s not their fault, and it’s because of they need self-regulation. This comes from the adults, but the adult is not self-regulated themselves and so they are reacting by being upset at their child. They are unconscious about their true stress, and blaming it on the child. Gabor Mate explains in Scattered that counterwill comes from a child who does not have a strong core self yet, and when parents try to control him he is just protecting himself (Page 189). “‘Supporting the child’s autonomy’... ‘means being able to take the other person’s perspective and work from there. ... it may very well require setting limits. But autonomy support functions through encouragement, not pressure’” (Page 205). This is what’s been happening with me, when my kid overreacts and is hyperactive, it’s like she’s begging me to be there to give her limits and show her what she should be doing.
I hadn’t realized this, that I need to set boundaries with other people because otherwise I am triggered or have picked up the habit of being compliant. This is my ego, the way I was raised... I identified with being overly kind to others, and rejected my true feelings of neediness and anger. It started with my adoptive brother, where he was loud and acting out, and I resented and got triggered by his lack of boundaries, seeing myself as the good one and him as unacceptable. It was not my fault, but just the way I coped with my pain. I expected other people to be kind and considerate of me, or I rejected them. I rejected my own pain and angry feelings, so it only makes sense.
Meanwhile, both of us felt unseen, but I could not see that because of my own pain. And I’m thinking that everyone wants to be seen for their true feelings, and not just the defense mechanisms they put up to protect themselves. When we feel rejected we repress our own ego needs, and take on false egos as a cover up for them, pretending that they don’t exist. They are still there, but are hidden in our subconscious. We can see them in others but not in ourselves, because we are so shamed in it.
The more a mother can accept her child, all sides, the more the child will love and accept himself and not have to repress his own self with shame.
I was having a hard time with boundaries today with my daughter. I felt she was taking up all my space, when I was anxious. The thoughts in my head where feeling powerless, feeling like there was no way I would get my needs met, like her needs for my attention was endless and if I gave in there was no way of comforting her. It sent me into a shame spiral, when I felt like a bad mother. I remembered Gabor Mate in Scattered talking about how when a child acts up, is using counterwill, it is because he needs boundaries and for the parents to be able to emotionally regulate him, instead of forcing him to do things because of their own needing power. The forcing him does not let him have autonomy, and hurts him, so he fights back to protect his will. It’s a normal reaction, and the way the child is trying to not be overpowered and lose his own freedom. I got afraid to force her, and realized I needed control of my own emotions. I was unwilling to set boundaries because I was unprepared for her to be oppositional, was afraid of not being able to calm her down.
Teal Swan’s video called Self Soothing Process calmed me down and made me realize how I was running from my own pain and fear of facing my emotions. I admitted I was feeling powerless, having thoughts of not being able to be heard. I felt alone, rejected, abandoned by all those I loved, fearful of rejection, and in shame for not being good enough. The way I wanted to feel was competent, safe to feel, supported, in control. The thoughts I wanted to think was I am together, I am safe, I am good enough to feel my emotions.
How was I going to get from point A to B, as Teal says is the process to integrate our feelings towards what we wanted. First, I had to express what I felt was holding me back. I was feeling powerless because my mother never heard my emotions, and rejected who I am. I felt alone and ashamed because she and others made me feel incompetent and like a not enough human being because of my trauma. I felt misunderstood because I was never able to talk about my feelings. How I would take steps to get to point B was the next part, and it had to be steps that were actually available in my mind; I saw as possible. I would listen to my emotions, and allow them to be there. I would talk to people who made me feel real, such as adoptees who got it. People who did not shame my pain and expression. I would be firm with my daughter about my needs, because I am important and a human being. In order for her to feel safe anyway was if I was feeling safe.
It worked. At first, I told her to stop laying on me when it was bothering me, and she actually started crying genuine tears. For the first time at home today she was expressing her pain. The other time she was upset, such as when I hit her in frustration at her banging the door and causing my foot to get scraped, she was screeching in these shortened breaths and stopping, like when she saw me the pain couldn’t come out. I was watching her, feeling hopeless and desperate for her to feel good so she must have sensed it. She lay on a chair trying to scream but all that came out where rusty sounds. It was sad. I felt at that moment that I was the worst, most uncaring mother in the world, and the way I could imagine my own mother at that age. It was truly depressing.
The next time she had tried to cry was before she was going to sleep, and I had been totally ignoring her because of my anxiety, and she ran out of bed. She was making noisy sounds, and went into her “closet” house, shutting the door. She tried crying inside, but then knocked on the door asking me to come. I watched, wishing I could help her and show her love. I was in my ego of needing love too though. I felt I was perfect, and couldn’t be that needy so I pushed the feelings away.
I do want to mention that the fact that my daughter wants me close to her, and pines for my attention, is a good thing because it shows that she still is connected to me. I am too hard on myself thinking she feels unloved all the time. That is a blanket statement, and shows the immaturity of my mind to think in absolutes, and is a result of non emotional regulating in childhood... But I was projecting feeling unloved onto her, when she does feel my love at certain times, and is hyper because she is waiting for me to return to being there for her.
All this feels painful, but good to talk about. I am ashamed of myself, for being stuck in my ego so much.. I am mostly hurt that the love in my life is not here now. It feels like I’m all alone, and in danger unless I do all my work and be perfect. That was my flooded pain from my babyhood and childhood, which I have no control over due to it being part of my limbic system and my go to emotions at the trigger of it. I cannot run away from it forever, and it’s important to face it and heal. I can be whole, I can be loved... even with all my pain and sadness/loneliness feeling unworthy of love and connection. Those was my past belief, and not the reality of life and the place I am in now.
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