Attachments and Apathy
I wrote a virtual letter to my birth mother. It was extremely emotional, but held an empty hollowness to it. As If I was just seeing myself from third person point of view. I wrote that I couldn't feel emotions towards anyone, and when I look at my daughter crying, I feel hollow and I wish I can show her that I care but a part of me holds back because I believe that I am incapable of attachment.
I always needed the outside validation that I felt something. I know it's there, but I don't trust it. This makes me think of adoptees how they seem unattached to anyone, and are "self-possessed" meaning they don't need anyone. I read about that in Lost and Found by Betty Jean Lifton, that an adoptee who was searching and vaguely curious about her birth mother had an air of being so.
The scary thing is, I see it in my own daughter too- how she just doesn't seem to care if I leave or am here. But when when I look into her eyes intimately, to check her emotions, she cannot face me without giving away the fact that she's broken inside. She fights with all her might until the wail comes bursting through. Until then, she seems almost hollow, living on the surface. I really don't know what to do about it, and I'm wondering if it's genetic, based on the brokenness of mother-daughter ties. It's called epigenetics, which is when the environment has a factor in shaping DNA.
I like to think that this self-possession is a sign of toughness, a resilience to outside drama. But the negativity of it comes when I cannot honestly say my feelings about someone without thinking hard about it. I question myself, whether I allow myself to attach to them or not. Or if I even care at all in the first place.
I know I love, but it's hard to express on the outside. Why? I was thinking that perhaps this is because my own mother left me at my most vulnerable state, as a newborn baby, so I have a defense mechanism of trusting in myself and ability to love because of the unconscious fear that they will walk away.
Honestly, I believe I married my husband because subconsciously I just knew he won't leave me, because of his low self-esteem. The Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier states that adoptees often marry a "mothering firgure," someone they are sure will stay with them, for safety. I guess this is good because we know we are safe, and the person will be loyal and nice no matter what. It's also bad because it shows a lack of true feelings, like how we know that we really love the person or we are just using them for security. I still feel like running away and hurting him sometimes, but I force myself to stay because I know that although it is against my grain to feel safe, it is ultimately for my benefit.
I saw a quote on Facebook, "There is no shame in having a scar. It shows you are no longer a gushing wound, and you are staring to heal." By Michelle Lynn. That is why I love seeing my scars, I know that facing the fact that I cannot express my true feelings from my heart shows that I have a scar, and I am proud of it.
So long,
An adoptee heart
I always needed the outside validation that I felt something. I know it's there, but I don't trust it. This makes me think of adoptees how they seem unattached to anyone, and are "self-possessed" meaning they don't need anyone. I read about that in Lost and Found by Betty Jean Lifton, that an adoptee who was searching and vaguely curious about her birth mother had an air of being so.
The scary thing is, I see it in my own daughter too- how she just doesn't seem to care if I leave or am here. But when when I look into her eyes intimately, to check her emotions, she cannot face me without giving away the fact that she's broken inside. She fights with all her might until the wail comes bursting through. Until then, she seems almost hollow, living on the surface. I really don't know what to do about it, and I'm wondering if it's genetic, based on the brokenness of mother-daughter ties. It's called epigenetics, which is when the environment has a factor in shaping DNA.
I like to think that this self-possession is a sign of toughness, a resilience to outside drama. But the negativity of it comes when I cannot honestly say my feelings about someone without thinking hard about it. I question myself, whether I allow myself to attach to them or not. Or if I even care at all in the first place.
I know I love, but it's hard to express on the outside. Why? I was thinking that perhaps this is because my own mother left me at my most vulnerable state, as a newborn baby, so I have a defense mechanism of trusting in myself and ability to love because of the unconscious fear that they will walk away.
Honestly, I believe I married my husband because subconsciously I just knew he won't leave me, because of his low self-esteem. The Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier states that adoptees often marry a "mothering firgure," someone they are sure will stay with them, for safety. I guess this is good because we know we are safe, and the person will be loyal and nice no matter what. It's also bad because it shows a lack of true feelings, like how we know that we really love the person or we are just using them for security. I still feel like running away and hurting him sometimes, but I force myself to stay because I know that although it is against my grain to feel safe, it is ultimately for my benefit.
I saw a quote on Facebook, "There is no shame in having a scar. It shows you are no longer a gushing wound, and you are staring to heal." By Michelle Lynn. That is why I love seeing my scars, I know that facing the fact that I cannot express my true feelings from my heart shows that I have a scar, and I am proud of it.
So long,
An adoptee heart
Comments
Post a Comment