Feeling more real

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         Now more then ever I feel closeness to my daughter. I realized that it was hard for me to feel I could comfort her, and I used to rocked her and put on sound machine for her because I did not trust in my ability to soothe her alone. But I think she felt the difference in me, because when we got home I was more gentle and calm with her. And also during the last night in my birth parent's town. She felt very alone when I left in the morning, and was screaming and crying violently shaking. When I saw that, I ran and picked her up lovingly in my arms. She fell into them comfortably, and my husband even said "She is probably triggered now from her trauma and so it would be a good time now probably for her to heal with you." I agreed, and she snuggled up to me and fell asleep. It was bliss, and I realized how close we were just then.

I wrote last night:

It hit me how I may really be valuable when my daughter stopped and looked at me when I told her not to touch the tissues. All my hard work of trying to show her I care paid off. Even though it is so fake for me sometimes because I don't know what it means to really care about someone. I care, but it's hard to feel seen even by my baby. So I feel nothing works deep down. But when she looked up at me and obeyed, my heart felt overfilled with love and affection, that she saw me. And suddenly it was like two people in a relationship. Not just me doing all the work. I hope thia feeling lasts, and grows and becomes more usual for me.

Ralph Smart says to be spiritually awakened you need to work on what u want to do NOW even if you think you're not ready. Sometimes you gotta just dive in. And then you see results. 

Also, when a person wants something they will get it. Whatever your will is will come true. Therefore, I guess my will was to love and bond with my baby, and even though I don't feel ready, I am diving in. The results are showing now. I keep hoping I will feel more love and bonding between us.

After the reunion two days ago, I feel happier to have met my birth parents and it is still a far away dream that I am loved by them. It is very overwhelming and new to me. I was thinking in the car ride back to my city that my birth father also feels very invisible, and maybe seeing how important he was to me helped him too. I watched his every move and word, it was so important. I wonder if my actions and words could ever mean a lot to someone else, too. That is my lifelong battle, feeling like I matter.

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