Blindspots from Aware Parenting (Marion Rose Website)

          We have blind spots where we cannot face certain emotion at the time being, because it is too overpowering in our senses. Yes ma'am all the way!

       It's pretty funny to admit this, but many times I am aware of an emotion or thought, but there are so many present focuses that I don't express it or feel it consciously. I guess this is important, because then I come across as strange, or out of reality. 

        Hold onto your seats, I will explain. (Lol see I'm hilarious). Here's a sad example: I am worried about something, such as not doing enough and being ashamed of myself, and I read for a chocolate (yes it just happened- sue me), in the back of my mind I know it's affects- making me drowsy, making my child feel ignored as I focus on my desires, ruining my promise to myself to guard my body from TERRIBLE wastes of excuses of "food" like processed sugary who-knows-what-it's make-of milk/wafer chocolate treat. BUT the hand ignores the inner self, because the desire for external comfort is overpowering. This is the most simple example I thought of at the moment. 

       Yesterday. it was ignoring my child's needs of crawling on the floor and exploring for fear of her getting dusty and then going into my bed at night, Gah the germs!! 

       We ALL have them, although I beat myself up extra hard about them because of my being adopted-and-hating-any-signs-of-weakness-because-it-shows-how-horrible-I-am. That's a real disease! BUt nobody else is aware of it. Yeah right- "I'm not crazy, that's why the men in white are coming for you." See how effed up it is to life in society that thinks adoption isa Beautiful, wonderful, and non-big-of-a-deal thing? Maybe they only say that because they can't and don't want to imagine the feeling of actually being adopted. Actually living your life knowing full well that your REAL parents are out there somewhere and you know NOTHING about them. Yes, Heritage is not a big deal- until you stop to think of having never had much familiarity of your own. (Rant done).

       Anyway, the glazy look in your child's eyes? That means something. It means they are not being present with their own emotions because they're mother and indicator of their self-esteem is not acknowledging their state and needs currently. FOr example, the need for attention, love, and/or basic need of food, new experiences, etc. 

       Yeah yeah, don't be too hard on yourself. But everyone knows what THEY are capable of, and I believe my awareness of my own feelings is a direct proportion of awareness of others, such as my child. 

        Anyway, the more you have blindspots from your own blocking of the particular feeling, the more you'll block it in your child. So for me, I'm terrified that since I have feeling of being invisible in expressing my self, I will ignore my daughter and make her feel that way too.

       But I'm working on SEEING myself. So I will see her emotions too, just not always. Sometimes, I'll be aware of them, but block them because of old habits. AHHH this is hard to be in this place. 

         It's hard, but hey, At least I'm aware of it- that babies need their "feelings feelings" (a term from Marion Rose's article Baby's Have Rea; Feelings - part 1) met- not only needs feelings. 

        Another blindspot- my self critism- that I'm not trying hard enough. We are our worst critics- so I love writing, because it gives me an outer basis of how I am showing up. Looking back, I am quite proud of myself for my actions. There's always more to grow, but we need to see the progress too in order to have confidence to go on.

         More Later,
         An Adoptee Heart