Blindspots in Aware Parenting my story
When the parent has a blindspot she is unable to be present for a certain feeling in herself and therefore cannot see it in her child and then the child will feel unsafe in that feeling and learn to repress it often through "control patterns"- repressing in a way that is taught by the parents. Such as through eating, or distracting themselves with the outside world.
My daughter was always very screechy from day 1. She kicked a whole lot in the womb, like her muscles were tense and tight. I was terrified to find out I was Pregnant because deep down I knew I had horrible self-esteem and knew I could taint a child of mine's own personality by my inner critics, which mirrored on my perceptions on others flaws. And a child just copies the parent, so I'd see all my addictions and lack of self-worth in her. I cried and cried one night, and screamed to my husband, "Don't you see how terrible this really is?? ME having a child?? I'll DESTROY her! Any chance of happiness for her is already stunted!" He hugged me with my sobs, and said some temporarily reassuring words that did not hold so much hope, that I was aware of my feelings so it'll all be okay. i remember thinking, Well he was okay with the chances of coming out with a broken offspring, but I sure wasn't. Every day, I thought about it, and promised myself to change.
After a beyond traumatic birth process, in which I was unprepared and naive about hospital regulations on birth labor, I lay in my hospital bed, sobbing and alone, yet in ecstasy because only I what I wondrously difficult task I had given birth to. My mind was in shock, and parts of me were screaming, "Helllllllllllp I'm a child myself, I can't be trusted, take her away!!!" I feared. As I looked at the beautiful, lovely, human being in my hands, who came from MY body, I could not sleep at all. For two days straight. I maybe got 3 hours sleep the first night after the morning I gave birth. I had the feelings of "I hope you won't hate me, I hope you won't run away from me when you are legal and free to do what you want, I hope you won't numb the pain of a lifeless existence with drugs and seek love from anyone but me, who cannot give it to you." I cried endlessly to myself, and when husband arrived, I shared in his excitement, but worry was still there. I knew there was potential, though, and I knew I could give her something that most people do not: The power of self-knowing, and the unshaken faith that comes from a life of overcoming self-doubt in a world of all odds against it.
One massive blindspot that I discovered tonight, is that whenever she is ready for nap, I distract her from the feelings or sadness, which I am aware of but ignore, by shoving her pacifier in her mouth and rocking her back and forth. I have learned that all babies need this through online, after I started doing it in the beginning and found it was the only thing that calmed her. But Marion Rose, in the article Aware Parenting, Babies and Sleep says that the truth is, babies do not need to be rocked to sleep, they need three things to sleep. These are: Tiredness, Relaxation, and to feel connected to the parent. I guess subconsciously I knew that she was missing the connection and the relaxation, so I distract her by jumping around like a monkey sometimes to distract her from her sadness. But this is unfair to her, because it ignored her feelings and pushes her to pay attention to the environment instead of her feelings. No wonder now she cries before she falls asleep- because her feelings are not being heard. Babies don't cry before falling asleep because of "tiredness," the only reason they would cry is because they had a different need- and if it's not hunger or some other, it must be because they are feeling feelings.
Tonight, I tried tuning into her feelings and getting her to cry a bit, because I know that whenever I look into her eyes gently to connect with her, she freaks out and her eyes turn stricken, and a huge bawl escapes from her tightly wound mouth. I hold her and try to show her I am there, but she fights me with all her might. I don't know what it is. I am usually good to her, and hold her a lot to not leave her feeling abandoned and alone when I am busy cooking and doing things I need to. the rest of the time, I am trying to get her to sleep, and I try to talk silly to her and sing with her. Sometimes I play with her and make funny faces back and forth with her laughing a lot. But since her birth, She could never calm down for long.
I believe it is because of her birth. I always knew she did not have the optimum birth, I was injected with an epidural because of the pain, and they claimed it wasn't going fast enough so they used drugs to speed up the labor. I was with someone who made me extremely uncomfortable, and all the nurses were holding me down, and I was in soo much pain because the epidural did not help on one side and my baby was in a "sunny side up" position.... I was frantic and in pain. I was furious at the nurses and doctor, who were all very indifferent to my pain. One went as far as to tell me that I shouldn't complain because it gets worst... So all in all, the baby came out after my sobbing that forced pushing by the doctor, who used scissors to cut me up to make more room for her precious head. I gave a final push, and they all cheered like I was some child. My child came out, covered in blood, and the nurse gave her to me for 1 minute before whisking her to the side in a basin, when they pocked and prodded at her as she screamed and cried. I cried out for my husband to run to her, so that she should hear one familiar voice. Finally, after around 15 minutes, they gave her to me to breastfeed, and she barely latching on. I did not know what to do, and the nurse was still treating me like a child.
In How I helped my son heal from some of his birth experiences as a newborn, Marion Rose explains that when a baby is born posterior, they experience trauma and have a need to cry in arms to let go of the pain. Her son and daughter both had it, and she found it very rewarding to have her son cry as she comforted him and said she was there for him. I did that exact same thing after my daughter came home from the hospital, by instinct of knowing that she must have suffered from the experience. I tried showing her I felt the pain, and that we were in it together. She cried but then watched me curiously, as if detached. I did not do it so much after that, but got annoyed with her a few times when her crying at night didn't let up. Compassion was harder for me then. I was in a stressed environment too, and felt more daily pressures. I wanted to be everything to my daughter that I lacked, so I held her all day, and purchased a sling online by my own accord to keep her close to me. I barely lived my own life, I was so wrapped up in hers. But I was still scared of her feelings, and I tried to stop her cries and did not understand why she barely slept. I worried.
I established a routine of putting her to sleep by rocking and pacifier, and still do it every day and night. When she was about 5 months old, I remembered an article I read earlier about the importance of hearing your babies feelings, so timidly I started looking into her eyes and asking her her feelings. I was bombarded with tears and rage, and now I see that it was her trying to express her feelings from birth, because she arches her back and freaks out about being in tight space, like Rose describes in the article about birth experiences and healing. She also rages when she feels out of control, such as when I am trying to look into her eyes and she doesn't want to and gets sad, so that could be because of the induced labor.
When babies do not get their feelings seen, they repeatedly distract themselves, thus the pain of having those feelings is still there, but stays stuck in their bodies. As they get older, it accumulates, and they feel all kinds of sadness and stress from the past mixed in with the present, and it important to understand where these overwhelming feelings come from.
For me, I feel overwhelmed when she gets overwhelmed, because I am triggered by not being capable of love. Because when I was a baby, I was abandoned by my mother, my main trigger in life is being insignificant, and unworthy. Therefore, if I feel my daughter has any of those feelings, it scares me, and I try to be there for her by hugging her and caressing her, but I am stricken inside. I don't trust that I can really stay with her in those feelings. Marion Rose says in Babies Have Real Feelings part 2 that "there is an inter-relationship between being present with our baby's feelings and our own feelings." when we are present with our baby's feelings, we can learn how to be present with our own. That is comforting.
Marion Rose says in Feelings: floating, flooding, distancing and distracting that when we feel stuck in overwhelming feelings they are indicative of something connected to a past hurt. Until we can float in the feelings, and not be flooded or Faraway from them, we will try to Distract and Distance our child from feeling them. The key is to be present, in order to float in the feelings. If we distract her from her feelings, she will end up faraway from them, and if we distance ourselves from her when we can't handle the feelings, she might be flooded in them later on.
I noticed that in the beginning, when I would put my daughter to sleep, I could lay her next to me with my arm wrapped around her, and she would fall asleep easily. Now, I need to do much more things to get her to sleep- mainly rocking her in a sling. I wonder if this is because her tense feelings were not released fully and accumulated over the months. Tonight I got her to sleep by just rocking gently, and I will slowly try to wean her off these things. When I lay next to her and put my arm around her when she sat up awake when I tried to get up, she fell back asleep safely. I think it is because of the extra crying in arms time I gave her before her sleep.
Until next time,
An Adoptee Heart
My daughter was always very screechy from day 1. She kicked a whole lot in the womb, like her muscles were tense and tight. I was terrified to find out I was Pregnant because deep down I knew I had horrible self-esteem and knew I could taint a child of mine's own personality by my inner critics, which mirrored on my perceptions on others flaws. And a child just copies the parent, so I'd see all my addictions and lack of self-worth in her. I cried and cried one night, and screamed to my husband, "Don't you see how terrible this really is?? ME having a child?? I'll DESTROY her! Any chance of happiness for her is already stunted!" He hugged me with my sobs, and said some temporarily reassuring words that did not hold so much hope, that I was aware of my feelings so it'll all be okay. i remember thinking, Well he was okay with the chances of coming out with a broken offspring, but I sure wasn't. Every day, I thought about it, and promised myself to change.
After a beyond traumatic birth process, in which I was unprepared and naive about hospital regulations on birth labor, I lay in my hospital bed, sobbing and alone, yet in ecstasy because only I what I wondrously difficult task I had given birth to. My mind was in shock, and parts of me were screaming, "Helllllllllllp I'm a child myself, I can't be trusted, take her away!!!" I feared. As I looked at the beautiful, lovely, human being in my hands, who came from MY body, I could not sleep at all. For two days straight. I maybe got 3 hours sleep the first night after the morning I gave birth. I had the feelings of "I hope you won't hate me, I hope you won't run away from me when you are legal and free to do what you want, I hope you won't numb the pain of a lifeless existence with drugs and seek love from anyone but me, who cannot give it to you." I cried endlessly to myself, and when husband arrived, I shared in his excitement, but worry was still there. I knew there was potential, though, and I knew I could give her something that most people do not: The power of self-knowing, and the unshaken faith that comes from a life of overcoming self-doubt in a world of all odds against it.
One massive blindspot that I discovered tonight, is that whenever she is ready for nap, I distract her from the feelings or sadness, which I am aware of but ignore, by shoving her pacifier in her mouth and rocking her back and forth. I have learned that all babies need this through online, after I started doing it in the beginning and found it was the only thing that calmed her. But Marion Rose, in the article Aware Parenting, Babies and Sleep says that the truth is, babies do not need to be rocked to sleep, they need three things to sleep. These are: Tiredness, Relaxation, and to feel connected to the parent. I guess subconsciously I knew that she was missing the connection and the relaxation, so I distract her by jumping around like a monkey sometimes to distract her from her sadness. But this is unfair to her, because it ignored her feelings and pushes her to pay attention to the environment instead of her feelings. No wonder now she cries before she falls asleep- because her feelings are not being heard. Babies don't cry before falling asleep because of "tiredness," the only reason they would cry is because they had a different need- and if it's not hunger or some other, it must be because they are feeling feelings.
Tonight, I tried tuning into her feelings and getting her to cry a bit, because I know that whenever I look into her eyes gently to connect with her, she freaks out and her eyes turn stricken, and a huge bawl escapes from her tightly wound mouth. I hold her and try to show her I am there, but she fights me with all her might. I don't know what it is. I am usually good to her, and hold her a lot to not leave her feeling abandoned and alone when I am busy cooking and doing things I need to. the rest of the time, I am trying to get her to sleep, and I try to talk silly to her and sing with her. Sometimes I play with her and make funny faces back and forth with her laughing a lot. But since her birth, She could never calm down for long.
I believe it is because of her birth. I always knew she did not have the optimum birth, I was injected with an epidural because of the pain, and they claimed it wasn't going fast enough so they used drugs to speed up the labor. I was with someone who made me extremely uncomfortable, and all the nurses were holding me down, and I was in soo much pain because the epidural did not help on one side and my baby was in a "sunny side up" position.... I was frantic and in pain. I was furious at the nurses and doctor, who were all very indifferent to my pain. One went as far as to tell me that I shouldn't complain because it gets worst... So all in all, the baby came out after my sobbing that forced pushing by the doctor, who used scissors to cut me up to make more room for her precious head. I gave a final push, and they all cheered like I was some child. My child came out, covered in blood, and the nurse gave her to me for 1 minute before whisking her to the side in a basin, when they pocked and prodded at her as she screamed and cried. I cried out for my husband to run to her, so that she should hear one familiar voice. Finally, after around 15 minutes, they gave her to me to breastfeed, and she barely latching on. I did not know what to do, and the nurse was still treating me like a child.
In How I helped my son heal from some of his birth experiences as a newborn, Marion Rose explains that when a baby is born posterior, they experience trauma and have a need to cry in arms to let go of the pain. Her son and daughter both had it, and she found it very rewarding to have her son cry as she comforted him and said she was there for him. I did that exact same thing after my daughter came home from the hospital, by instinct of knowing that she must have suffered from the experience. I tried showing her I felt the pain, and that we were in it together. She cried but then watched me curiously, as if detached. I did not do it so much after that, but got annoyed with her a few times when her crying at night didn't let up. Compassion was harder for me then. I was in a stressed environment too, and felt more daily pressures. I wanted to be everything to my daughter that I lacked, so I held her all day, and purchased a sling online by my own accord to keep her close to me. I barely lived my own life, I was so wrapped up in hers. But I was still scared of her feelings, and I tried to stop her cries and did not understand why she barely slept. I worried.
I established a routine of putting her to sleep by rocking and pacifier, and still do it every day and night. When she was about 5 months old, I remembered an article I read earlier about the importance of hearing your babies feelings, so timidly I started looking into her eyes and asking her her feelings. I was bombarded with tears and rage, and now I see that it was her trying to express her feelings from birth, because she arches her back and freaks out about being in tight space, like Rose describes in the article about birth experiences and healing. She also rages when she feels out of control, such as when I am trying to look into her eyes and she doesn't want to and gets sad, so that could be because of the induced labor.
When babies do not get their feelings seen, they repeatedly distract themselves, thus the pain of having those feelings is still there, but stays stuck in their bodies. As they get older, it accumulates, and they feel all kinds of sadness and stress from the past mixed in with the present, and it important to understand where these overwhelming feelings come from.
For me, I feel overwhelmed when she gets overwhelmed, because I am triggered by not being capable of love. Because when I was a baby, I was abandoned by my mother, my main trigger in life is being insignificant, and unworthy. Therefore, if I feel my daughter has any of those feelings, it scares me, and I try to be there for her by hugging her and caressing her, but I am stricken inside. I don't trust that I can really stay with her in those feelings. Marion Rose says in Babies Have Real Feelings part 2 that "there is an inter-relationship between being present with our baby's feelings and our own feelings." when we are present with our baby's feelings, we can learn how to be present with our own. That is comforting.
Marion Rose says in Feelings: floating, flooding, distancing and distracting that when we feel stuck in overwhelming feelings they are indicative of something connected to a past hurt. Until we can float in the feelings, and not be flooded or Faraway from them, we will try to Distract and Distance our child from feeling them. The key is to be present, in order to float in the feelings. If we distract her from her feelings, she will end up faraway from them, and if we distance ourselves from her when we can't handle the feelings, she might be flooded in them later on.
I noticed that in the beginning, when I would put my daughter to sleep, I could lay her next to me with my arm wrapped around her, and she would fall asleep easily. Now, I need to do much more things to get her to sleep- mainly rocking her in a sling. I wonder if this is because her tense feelings were not released fully and accumulated over the months. Tonight I got her to sleep by just rocking gently, and I will slowly try to wean her off these things. When I lay next to her and put my arm around her when she sat up awake when I tried to get up, she fell back asleep safely. I think it is because of the extra crying in arms time I gave her before her sleep.
Until next time,
An Adoptee Heart
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