Humility
Yesterday, June 12, 2017, I pointed out to Abby Miller of Worldwide Self Hypnosis that she was very humble because although I am just a random person who commented on her video how much I resonated with her words a while back, she was delighted in my words and forthcoming about writing long character emails back and forth with me about our musings and experiences. She is an accomplished revolutionist, with creations of a YouTube channel and an extraordinary blog that shares awesome insights about deep topics barely anyone talks about liberally, and here she was. Talking to me as if I was on her level! An equal. I was awed, and yes it is probably because of my hologram of how I used to think I was invisible, second-class, and garbage.
But it got me thinking about humility, and what I love about people like her. Many times in childhood I came across adults who treated me anything but worthy of love.
My mind brings me to a story of when I was six or so, and I was fixated on the creativity of drawing on paper, and my heart desired to bring forth many wonderful pictures and feelings I felt bursting from within me. So my mother, always willing to indulge her children on what they enjoyed, sent me to a neighbor who was artistic and attempting to do an art lesson to I and another young boy that were interested. His mother was with him, a large woman, and as we drew a picture that we were told, I noticed that mine was not coming out the way I had anticipated. Yet I still believed in it. When it came to looking at my work, the neighbor, I could tell, faked her enthusiast and clapped at my work. However, the cynical, mean mother actually LAUGHED and said an extremely hurtful remark that burned into my psyche, "You Call THAT a drawing? Even a 5 year old can do a better drawing-" to which my neighbor cut her off with a shush, but the damage was done. Barely holding back from crying, the feeling of grownup betrayal sunk in to me as I tried to stay afloat before escaping home. I knew the woman was an idiot, but because my own hologram was so weak and vulnerable, I let it sink in.
This mirrors many other experience I had with grown-ups, and I saw straight through them that there was something very wrong about them. But still, it became my belief, the core belief that I was only ever worthy of rejection from my elders, and that I had to respect THAT and THEM because of course they were mighty and stronger.
Well, Now I'm the grown-up, how do you like that, Principal X? I'm sure if I told you how much damage you have done to my pure heart, you would go running for the hills. But I survived, and I am higher than you because I will NOT learn from you and emulate you, DESPITE all the odds against it. I am TOUGH and better than that.
I guess I was always destined to see through the MUCK of the external world, because my self-RESPECT and love has deep connections in the upper world. I knew one day I would burst through like a star, through all other people's noses, because I just knew I was different.
Back to Abby. So I saw in her the beauty of Self-importance, as well as integrity that she was just doing her thing and it was not an air for vanity or attention. It was something her soul called her to do, and she was happily complying, falling into space with the trust that she'll fall into a safety net from heaven. What beauty, what self-love.
So yes, self-love does equal humility, and the old program says that self-love actions are selfish and disgusting, but I say it is truth. Abby says you can only have authentic self love if you allow yourself to love the self through ALL flaws and mistakes, and anything else is fake. I love the fact that I am broken and trying to restore self-belief, and by writing this blog I am reflecting my inner truth, and it feels so exhilarating.
Cradling my inner child, as Joe Soll of Adoption Healing speaks about, can help heal wounds of the past that seem impossible to face. My inner child wants to feel seen and heard, so this is what I am doing for it. I know that speaking up will help me believe in my words more, and that is mainly who needs to hear me, my sad, worn-out, red-eyed, and abandoned younger self. Come on, speed up, and I'll walk you through your confusion and pain. You won't need to throw others away for fear of rejection any longer.
Love,
An Adoptee Heart
But it got me thinking about humility, and what I love about people like her. Many times in childhood I came across adults who treated me anything but worthy of love.
My mind brings me to a story of when I was six or so, and I was fixated on the creativity of drawing on paper, and my heart desired to bring forth many wonderful pictures and feelings I felt bursting from within me. So my mother, always willing to indulge her children on what they enjoyed, sent me to a neighbor who was artistic and attempting to do an art lesson to I and another young boy that were interested. His mother was with him, a large woman, and as we drew a picture that we were told, I noticed that mine was not coming out the way I had anticipated. Yet I still believed in it. When it came to looking at my work, the neighbor, I could tell, faked her enthusiast and clapped at my work. However, the cynical, mean mother actually LAUGHED and said an extremely hurtful remark that burned into my psyche, "You Call THAT a drawing? Even a 5 year old can do a better drawing-" to which my neighbor cut her off with a shush, but the damage was done. Barely holding back from crying, the feeling of grownup betrayal sunk in to me as I tried to stay afloat before escaping home. I knew the woman was an idiot, but because my own hologram was so weak and vulnerable, I let it sink in.
This mirrors many other experience I had with grown-ups, and I saw straight through them that there was something very wrong about them. But still, it became my belief, the core belief that I was only ever worthy of rejection from my elders, and that I had to respect THAT and THEM because of course they were mighty and stronger.
Well, Now I'm the grown-up, how do you like that, Principal X? I'm sure if I told you how much damage you have done to my pure heart, you would go running for the hills. But I survived, and I am higher than you because I will NOT learn from you and emulate you, DESPITE all the odds against it. I am TOUGH and better than that.
I guess I was always destined to see through the MUCK of the external world, because my self-RESPECT and love has deep connections in the upper world. I knew one day I would burst through like a star, through all other people's noses, because I just knew I was different.
Back to Abby. So I saw in her the beauty of Self-importance, as well as integrity that she was just doing her thing and it was not an air for vanity or attention. It was something her soul called her to do, and she was happily complying, falling into space with the trust that she'll fall into a safety net from heaven. What beauty, what self-love.
So yes, self-love does equal humility, and the old program says that self-love actions are selfish and disgusting, but I say it is truth. Abby says you can only have authentic self love if you allow yourself to love the self through ALL flaws and mistakes, and anything else is fake. I love the fact that I am broken and trying to restore self-belief, and by writing this blog I am reflecting my inner truth, and it feels so exhilarating.
Cradling my inner child, as Joe Soll of Adoption Healing speaks about, can help heal wounds of the past that seem impossible to face. My inner child wants to feel seen and heard, so this is what I am doing for it. I know that speaking up will help me believe in my words more, and that is mainly who needs to hear me, my sad, worn-out, red-eyed, and abandoned younger self. Come on, speed up, and I'll walk you through your confusion and pain. You won't need to throw others away for fear of rejection any longer.
Love,
An Adoptee Heart
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