No grief allowed
I was reading an adoptee blog, Adoption Survivor, and she was talking about how her father molested her and her mother was just emotionally closed off. But she didn't hate her, she accepted her.
This triggered a lot in me. The way she describes how she became like her adoptive mother in a lot of ways because of the nurture. such as hating social gatherings, and dressing up, and not wanting to discuss feelings... and disappearing into fantasy. The way she describes how she was meant to fill a void in her parents lives and she picked up and set on doing that, her parents were emotionally empty, there was never any nurturing from her mother even to her adoptive siblings. Many felt she was wrong not to hate her mother, but she explains that her Mom just did the best with the tools she had- a life of repression and childhood pain she did not want to deal with.
I never noticed the issues my mother had and parented us with early on, I always thought she was a good parent, and felt so inadequate since my own ways of living seemed so opposed to her ideas of right and wrong. So, it was wrong to feel emotions of sadness and hurt, and what was right was to look away all your grief. When people were loud and wild, you had to take it and feel out of control.
Until today, my mother and her family are considered of top caliber and highly respected for their generosity to helping the unfortunate. My Mom caters to the elderly, poor, and sick people by visiting them and taking care of their needs. All my aunts and uncles look as happy as can be, always with a smile and friendliness to everyone. However, there are cracks in the armor, such as addictions to food by all of them, and self-absorption and an obvious fake interest in other people in one. They all love drama and gossip.
I relate to the having to fill a void, I did know that to my parents there was always something missing in life that they had to fill with loud parties and friends. But they never openly acknowledged it, and pretended we were a perfectly happy family, buying us all we wanted and kissing our hurts away. I found this interesting that Adoption Survivor talks about incest families being ones where physical affection is absent, apart from pucker up kisses on demand from grownups. It was a big thing that whenever an adult asked for a hug and kiss we had no say in it but to comply. The adults become children, and their kids have to "nurture" them.
I did a lot of nurturing for my father all my life, he was always a perpetual child. My mother denies this, saying he only became that needy after his brain started degenerating ten years ago, but when I told her one day that I am sorry for her because he is a narcissist, she was happy. However, if I ever sent her articles about how to deal with narcissists and how their behavior affects those they are close to, she got annoyed and told me the articles were too harsh for my father, and he wasn't THAT extreme. I felt like she needed the validation from me about how hard it is for her, but when I bring reality up about how he is abusive, she can't face it. Her world HAS to be perfectly good.
Yet he behaves like a child, and was never fully there emotionally during all of my sibling's childhoods. He was always the provider, and was respected for how much money he brought in. When my mother was out of town he would take us to restaurants and let us order what we want because, he said, "When the cat's away the mice play." He spoiled us rotten, and when the topic of adoption came up, he always said we are like his own kids and he never thought about us as being adopted. This was considered very loving by everyone who heard, and my Mom always repeated it to us in an emotional way, as if it was all that we'd ever want to hear.
Now, he sits at home all day and demands everyone to do everything for him, and when there is no meal prepared for him for breakfast, lunch or supper he screams at my mother that she is neglecting him. It is a wonder how she even stands to live with him. But she is allowed to yell and insult him, but if any of us do it, she get's angry with us and says we need to be nice.
This is all I can handle for now,
A Lost Adoptee soul
This triggered a lot in me. The way she describes how she became like her adoptive mother in a lot of ways because of the nurture. such as hating social gatherings, and dressing up, and not wanting to discuss feelings... and disappearing into fantasy. The way she describes how she was meant to fill a void in her parents lives and she picked up and set on doing that, her parents were emotionally empty, there was never any nurturing from her mother even to her adoptive siblings. Many felt she was wrong not to hate her mother, but she explains that her Mom just did the best with the tools she had- a life of repression and childhood pain she did not want to deal with.
I never noticed the issues my mother had and parented us with early on, I always thought she was a good parent, and felt so inadequate since my own ways of living seemed so opposed to her ideas of right and wrong. So, it was wrong to feel emotions of sadness and hurt, and what was right was to look away all your grief. When people were loud and wild, you had to take it and feel out of control.
Until today, my mother and her family are considered of top caliber and highly respected for their generosity to helping the unfortunate. My Mom caters to the elderly, poor, and sick people by visiting them and taking care of their needs. All my aunts and uncles look as happy as can be, always with a smile and friendliness to everyone. However, there are cracks in the armor, such as addictions to food by all of them, and self-absorption and an obvious fake interest in other people in one. They all love drama and gossip.
I relate to the having to fill a void, I did know that to my parents there was always something missing in life that they had to fill with loud parties and friends. But they never openly acknowledged it, and pretended we were a perfectly happy family, buying us all we wanted and kissing our hurts away. I found this interesting that Adoption Survivor talks about incest families being ones where physical affection is absent, apart from pucker up kisses on demand from grownups. It was a big thing that whenever an adult asked for a hug and kiss we had no say in it but to comply. The adults become children, and their kids have to "nurture" them.
I did a lot of nurturing for my father all my life, he was always a perpetual child. My mother denies this, saying he only became that needy after his brain started degenerating ten years ago, but when I told her one day that I am sorry for her because he is a narcissist, she was happy. However, if I ever sent her articles about how to deal with narcissists and how their behavior affects those they are close to, she got annoyed and told me the articles were too harsh for my father, and he wasn't THAT extreme. I felt like she needed the validation from me about how hard it is for her, but when I bring reality up about how he is abusive, she can't face it. Her world HAS to be perfectly good.
Yet he behaves like a child, and was never fully there emotionally during all of my sibling's childhoods. He was always the provider, and was respected for how much money he brought in. When my mother was out of town he would take us to restaurants and let us order what we want because, he said, "When the cat's away the mice play." He spoiled us rotten, and when the topic of adoption came up, he always said we are like his own kids and he never thought about us as being adopted. This was considered very loving by everyone who heard, and my Mom always repeated it to us in an emotional way, as if it was all that we'd ever want to hear.
Now, he sits at home all day and demands everyone to do everything for him, and when there is no meal prepared for him for breakfast, lunch or supper he screams at my mother that she is neglecting him. It is a wonder how she even stands to live with him. But she is allowed to yell and insult him, but if any of us do it, she get's angry with us and says we need to be nice.
This is all I can handle for now,
A Lost Adoptee soul
Comments
Post a Comment