Tears and Tantrums Healing Wounds, and Tapping

           My baby is very sensitive and prone to overwhelming feelings when I leave her for a while to take care of stuff. I connected this to her traumatic birth of forceps, and overexposed to my ignoring or using control patterns for repressing her emotions. Control patterns are when a parent can't handle emotions of their children because of the extreme feelings it brings up in them, and so they use things to distract him. For me it was rocking her and giving her the pacifier to aid her in sleep because she was to anxious and nervous to sleep. 

           I did that until I found out about aware parenting, and saw how harmful it was. She basically got used to ignoring her feelings, and i read in Aletha Solter's book Tears and Tantrums that when we use control patterns to shut off releasing emotions, it is equivalent to the child as EMOTIONAL ABANDONMENT! Yes you heard me, it is emotional abuse to ignore your child's feelings. This further causes a kid to grow up with insecure attachment, and Aletha says, have trouble with attachments and development later on. It is truly sad that life turns out this way for so many, without knowledge why.   

           Solter says that birth trauma or any other trauma can be released through crying, and repeated exposure to that state, with the safety of a loved parent nearby. Interestingly, she says that not only do children release emotions from trauma this way, but they may show strong feelings from other charging events and it is really misplaced emotion from the trauma. I experienced this as a kid, when I threw temper tantrums at the store because I was angry at having to shop for clothes supposedly, but looking back I see it was really because I felt uncomfortable with myself and angry at my adoptive mother for not seeing me at all (emotionally), but could not voice those feelings. 

            Ah, the rage and crying that comes from a child being fully present with their emotions. It is something beautiful for me to see, because the alternative is so sad and soul shattering- a child who does not feel safe enough to express their fear, rage, sadness, and hurt. It eventually leads to numbing the pain so much that love and joy disappears as well, and you have a strong, tough child or adolescent who disrespects and subconsciously test boundaries because they yearn for them. 

          Solter says that at first, she was skeptical about the allowing a baby's rage and cries to come out while holding him, but after a while she actually got used to the crying and that became more alarming. The same has happened to me somewhat, I wait for the true cries to come forth, even anticipating my daughter's round mouth opening wide and tightening in an involuntary wide o shape as the sharp wail escapes. I find that after the first few, the cries and emotions flow more freely, and I breathe with relief inside when I catch them. Sometimes, she catches my eye and stops, and I feel her studying me and I wonder what she thinks. I am not always (okay rarely) in the mode for actually crying with her as if I feel her pain, but sometimes I can muster up a few tears and empathetic looks, which make her smile and laugh. I think she finds it amusing that Mommy has feelings like her, and as long as I am not leaning on her for comfort or showing signs of not being able to handle myself (which happened once), she is okay with watching me. 

           The way I make her emotions surface, because it's been so much repression and mistrust of opening up about those feelings, is I have to physically hug/apply slight pressure enough to show affection, on her body, such as legs, chest, cheeks, or arms. Then, I quickly kiss her closely, distracting her from repressing herself, and she shows signs of distress, eyes wild and stricken looking anywhere but at me. My heart breaks, and I repeat until I can pierce through her defenses and get the emotional junk out. The minute I let go she is back in her reality of closing me out, and I keep knocking until I feel she is back in her true feelings. I need her to share them with me, I can't take the pain of her losing her feelings. Maybe it's projection, maybe, but I also see her in avoidance of my eyes way too often for my liking. 

          I also think the applying pressure to her body reminds her of birth, as Solter says, and this is why she seems to fall into such terror when it happens. It may likely be because of the close affection that scares her because she lost trust in me. But the more she cries it out, the faster it can heal. Soon, she'll feel fully safe in it, and able to be present with being held. 

           It struck me that this exercise that I'm doing reminds me of EMDR. I received it once, and it works through the therapist tapping you or shifting fingers back and forth in front of you, and this puts you in a relaxed state, ready to access your deepest, darkest, most triggering memories. Of course, this can only work if you truly trust and feel safe with the therapist. I noticed in my daughter that she needs the "tapping" or applying pressure to her body in order to shift her focus inward to bring out her blocked feelings. Once this is accomplished, healing can happen. The same happened with me, when. I felt comfortable and calm with my therapist 5 years ago, I was able to cry and handle the emotional charge of painful memories or being abandoned and alone, and they felt much less painful after the release. 

           So long, 

           An Adoptee Heart