Adult Codependents expect you to Cater to their emotions Subconsciously

           My Mother is a codependent. She came over and has been desperate to talk with me for some time now, because I have been busy avoiding her. Today, she brought herself over to my house to give me something, and helped herself to cooing to my sleepy daughter, who did not really respond but eyed her suspiciously to which she grabbed open my carrier and tried to propel her response. 

          I saw her disapproval of me right away, at noon, still in my pajamas, and not having time to sit down for a discussion. She glanced around, looking for something to stir the conversation outwardly with. She saw a bag of what she mistook as flour, and asked if I was baking hopefully. I said no. 

           What was funny about that was, just a few months ago, when I was complaining to her that I didn't have time to mop my floor with my baby taking my time, she insinuated that if I wouldn't be baking all those healthy muffins that I'd recently gotten into, I'd have time. And now she was interested in my baking activity. I guess she enjoys bringing up whatever helps to push me into staying in the physical reality and in turn criticizes my weaknesses of my inner reality. Many times she does it in regards to pushing me to join mother groups to get out more, to connect me with others so I wouldn't be, as she saw me, wallowed in misery. But then when she sees me anxious she tells me I cannot make friends when I move away because I am too angry inside. She can never see how I'm working on myself and the positive about that. But I wasn't having it anymore. If she cannot understand me as a person separate from her, I cannot allow her into my space.

          She then asked me the dreaded question, when will you talk to your Momma? I answered honestly, saying I had nothing much to say to her because she hurts me whenever we talk. She looked flabbergasted and said, "I didn't know you didn't want to talk to your mother," Accusingly. Again I kept my cool and said it was just to protect myself. She clicked, annoyed, and said she didn't know what to tell me. She tried to guilt me into feeling bad, and mask how hurt she was. I didn't take it the bait, and told myself it was not my problem. She was a grown up and should be expected to deal with her own hurt. I couldn't cater to her, it just used up my energy and left me with nothing for my own life. 

         So I said, I have nothing to say too. And she took a last glance at my daughter, and said "Alright I hope you can take care of yourself." As if to slap me and that she doubted it, making me feel shame and guilt for attending my own needs and not hers.  See, this is what made me feel crazy growing up. Thinking I had to save everyone else from their pain and ignore my own.

          Adult Codependents who are unaware, says Lisa Romano, subconsciously expect others to take care of their emotions. Healthy adults understand that they are responsible for attending their own emotions and not dumping it in others.  I'll go with the latter.

Adoptee and ex-codependent