Awkward Codependent Exchanges

              When I was below the veil of conscious about my dependency, I had the most awkward conversations without understanding why. Now as I look back, I sigh and laugh at myself. 

              For example. I was sitting by a new relative's house, and she served a fancy meal. My nerves were jittery with apprehension, and shame of my own meals in comparative. I looked at her as if she was perfect and much higher than me, and the conversation turned to me praising her like I didn't deserve any of her kindness. For having us over and cooking us a meal by their own choice.

 She chuckled and said sure, glad you like it, it was no big deal. And I could tell she was trying to make me comfortable. It dawned in me that she felt inferior too, and we continued to go back and forth pumping each other's egos up and became friends. But I still felt like the lower one because she had a nicer house and fuller life, and was older. So I acted squeamish and nervous, against my wishes. Every minute there was torture, and when we finally left I gave one more huge appreciative smile and promise of keeping in touch, and we were all relieved we were going.

             Looking back, I was not the only one causing the tension, she was also shame-ridden and eager to please. She also seemed to possess an inner skepticism about other's motives, and was jealous of my natural thinness. I know this by the uncomfortable pause when I revealed this, and the jealous look when she told me, "You should feel lucky." As if I was not appreciative enough of my gift and it was a waste on me since so many others would need it more. It hurts. Looking back, I do know that my husband's uncles all possess a certain childishness, which comes from unmourned losses. They all feel undeserving of life and swallow this guilt by eating and sarcasm joking about their weight and self deprecation. It is down right uncomfortable, when you realize every conversation will include this and it is not just used as an ice breaker. No wonder my husband does not seem overly fond of his relatives. It is so sad, because there can be so much to appreciate if they only let themselves open up to feel it.

  

              Anyway, I've come to realize that it is not only me who feels drenched in shame, and to feel this way does not do anyone any good. People resent it deep down, they can sense your fakeness and cover, and are scared because they do not know what you're REALLY thinking. I think being open to your grief more helps other feel comfortable with you, at least the ones who can take it, and perhaps even gets them to drop their own fences. It is important to realize that others are suffering too and hiding their shame as well, so you do not resent them for not responding to your needs of comfort properly. It's like an elephant in the room otherwise, everyone just wants to drop everything and run.

              Until I can get stronger with my self esteem i will not place myself in chronically codependent people's noses, for them to look down and feel uncomfortable with me, making me feel shame for having low self confidence.