Struggling Has A Place

          You cannot force people to be awakened. It has to come from their own choice. All you can do is work on yourself and be a light house for when they are ready to change. Sometimes it needs to take them going through a lot of hardships that they realize they need to change. All in Ralph Smart's video, How To Help Others Who Are Not Awakened. It was perfectly what I needed to hear, good timing. I was losing my mind. Losing my trust. Going dowwwn this morning. But I realized I still had myself and G-d. Through help of no one else but me. I needed to learn that only I can do this for me. Save me from this world of hell.

         I woke up with nothing to look forward to. Nothing to tie me over. I realized my comfort zones where slowly expiring. I didn't wanna eat, didn't wanna have fun. I wanted more. I wanted love from my peers. Which I wasn't getting. After I posted something I felt was my truth and great on Facebook and no one liked it. And my husband's parents were making a big stink about me not visiting, and he said his father couldn't confront me because he was too mad. I felt like I was getting stabbed by them, for wanting my own peace and space from them. They were acting childish and like I had no right to that. My husband was also very beaten down by it. And his guilt of not knowing about his mother's bone surgery and having to make up for it to prove to them that he cared. He claimed he bought them the flowers for himself to feel better. We were both shot and worn yesterday. We both couldn't handle my daughter. I felt like I didn't care about her when I just had no strength to take care of her. For the millionth time I wondered where my supportive people were. Why was I all alone with a child, all day, most of the day? I slammed the door and left her with my sleeping husband and sat in the other room, pep talking myself. I felt shamed and horrible. She screamed for me brokenly. I went back and saw my husband trying to shush her rocking vigorously. I screamed, "Stop! Just stop repressing her feelings! What's wrong with you?!?" With anger at him. He defended himself angrily, and blew up. I held my daughter and calmed down. We admitted that we couldn't handle it. It was a long day. I cried a bit, and apologized with sadness. It made me have renewed strength to be there for her. She fell asleep after midnight. Anger had blinded me of my love for her. I fell into a deep sleep. Woke up exhausted at 9. Got a pimple. Was pissed. Had dream with people dying. War. No one to turn to. Husband was drifting away too. Tried desperately to lift my mood. Nothing worked. Kept yelling at myself. Recognized it. Life was truly broken me. Tried smiling my baby. She smiled back. I felt confusing. Didn't want to eat grains, knew I had enough. Wanted to protect my body. Had desperate feeling that nothing else would make me happy. I decided to get out to change my environment. I got my lazy body dressed and my crying child. I sighed at the beautiful weather. So far, so good.

          I dodged a few people I did not vibe with. I let myself get a delicious coffee. I felt spoiled. My husband called me back and I poured out my hurt to him. How "nothing was going our way and no one to support us was there." He agreed and solemnly voiced his validation. He said things would get better. He said he would get a job in our new city to move. He said G-d is with us. I listened silently and held onto his words. I brightened and went shopping. Lo and behold, the lady behind the cash register was nice to me when she saw me considering a few new outfits. She felt bad for me that my daughter was dragging me down and I couldn't try on the clothes last time. She gave me the second skirt for free! It was all set to go anyway because of the massive sale, and they were already 50% off, but I was amazed. I left, still feeling unworthy of it, but trying to accept the woman's kindness. A tear escaped my eye and I sighed with relief that maybe G-d did still care. It was an obvious shift of good. I suddenly felt my holding back from eating unhealthy sweets had worth. I wonder how much more I will champion.

          I know that one thing I need to do, as Ralph Smart said, was believe in myself despite what the crowd is doing. I felt unworthy of achieving my goals this morning, so I felt like I had to give up. But now I see that my struggle is important to help me grow. It is not so bad.