Control Patterns are Momma's Issue

         Anne Thistleton told me that Control Patterns that get babies to avoid their feelings by distracting them do not belong to the babies, but they are the parent's. So when the parent avoids feelings by doing something, it is automatically given to the child. So the parent needs to regulate their feelings foremost, and then everything else should be fine. And there is no way the child can fall into a control pattern. Seems true to me.

          I realized that when I can't deal with my baby, it is because there is something in ME blocking feeling for her. It is not that SHE is bothering me, it is something about her behavior that is reminding me of my own problems. The deepest way she triggers me in this is when she jumps around and avoids being present. It is from feeling ignored or whatever, that she is out of touch with herself. But it makes me soo angry and out of my mind, and I cannot be there for her. I become frozen and have a need to run away, busy myself with anything but her. So I make food, clean, eat some more... and then I scream. And cry. And moan. But I continue ignoring her because I just can't face her. It kills me inside to try to see her. And I figured out that this painful deep feeling is from my own angry self that feels unheard and unacknowledged. It feels like no amount of crying and screaming will get it out, so I avoid it. But I can't, and it feels like hell to feel it even a little. I wonder if it will ever go away, and it seems impossible. I am sad.

          And it is hard to admit that I am sad. Every thing inside tells me I cannot be sad. Maybe that's what this whole problem is. That I cannot feel like something is bad, it'll kill me. It's so ridiculous. But when I did cry a bit and moan weird, loud groans, it felt a LOT better. Like I was really being real with myself. And it caused my daughter to even laugh afterwards, when I absentmindedly blew a raspberry in the air while thinking to myself. She laughed and laughed freely, and I thought the whole thing may be over. But it wasn't and she was still not falling asleep.

          Anne says to me that it is important for me to be present with my own trauma vortex when I am in it, and not try to be present for my daughter. I can't, because I am not really going to be there. She said the baby can feel everyone's emotions, and when she comes into contact with someone who is dis regulated, she can sense it and it causes her to be dis regulated too. I think of my Mother, when she shouts excitedly repeatedly at the baby to get her to express a smile. Anne told me when people do this it is because they are feeling overly anxious inside and need a reaction from the outside. It's important to stay AUTHENTIC with the baby, and feel what you are feeling inside. I love this. It will never be perfect, and that's okay.

          I also realized from my session with her that my daughter and I do have some attunement, and she is not totally disconnected from me. Just looking at her and noticing how she is feeling makes her feel seen and loved. I am bad at knowing that because I mostly feel like she is traumatized because I was traumatized as a baby. So I see her as being totally disconnected and nothing I do makes a difference. Well, when I get really down I mostly feel that way, but half the time I am able to see she is kinda happy with me. I guess it is just a deep down knowing that she is not that frets me so.