Darkness Is An Illusion, It Is The Absence Of Light

            Darkness is merely the absence of light. Immortality comes from darkness. People often do not CHOSE immorality, it just seems like the only option to go to, because there is no light. There was an illusion of absence of light when they were forming their capacity for critical thinking, and they were left with no way to live in light. Children are born with innocence. It is snuffed off by the way their light is rejected. They are left to repress that self, because they have no example of it being possible to live with.

 

           Since my first memory in life was being ripped away from my only source of love and life, I found it immensely difficult to trust any sign of love. My mother blamed this on me, of course, saying that I was "negative." So I believed I was inherently flawed, and there was no innocence left to hold. I can smell rejection and disengagement a mile away. As I cry in a triggered state, my loved one stands over me, and I just smell the hesitation in him and I feel slammed again. I shrivel away and shut myself up. We can smell the dishonesty a mile away. I wish it wasn't this way, but I can no longer trust good wishes unless I fully feel heard. And there's always blockages. Because I want the bond of a mother-child, where one feels the other's pain like they are fully connected still, and they cannot harm the other because they are one. Too innocent, I know, but that was what I lost in life and my body needs it to feel fully alive.

           I find that i cannot feel for my own daughter in this state. I cannot give what I never had. She needs me, and the need is written all over her and she stares sadly at me and looks away, trying to fight the pain of utter betrayal of her soul. I know how painful it is, and my heart shatters again, and I pull her to me and rock back and forth willing my understanding to find its way back to her little heart.

           So, immorality. It comes when a person is missing that innocence in them, and are full of shame and lack. They NEED outer validation so bad, like a baby missing their mother's loving touch. So they can't help it, and when they see someone who is taken with them like they are perfect and the most wonderful person in the world, they grab it. They don't FEEL that way about themselves, so they need others to mirror that to them so they can finally believe it. But, the lust stage doesn't last forever, and the minute they are in the reality stage they pull back. Because they have no light, no believe of their goodness, they know that the other person will never truly want them anymore. So they need to play all these tactics to make themselves feel better, and have the other person want them again. This is what it means when people run from intimacy. They have no self-love, they live for the attention.

           Like a baby who needs their mother's love. I know, I have been in that place of total lack. I reached out to people only for adulation, but knew full on well that it could not last. You have all these songs these days that idolize this state of relating, idealization and fake promises of giving their full hearts to the other person, and then betrayal and the act being up. It is like they want to live in an endless baby state of fighting for love, when they can have it without the struggle if they just move into reality of admitting their lack of self-love and loss of light from their betrayal. The shame of being hurt in your childhood needs to stop.