G-d In My Life

My relationship with God.

            Since I was little, I had that inner sense that life was a scary place, but I clung to the belief that God was there. I would talk to him, but over time I lost more and more trust and care about Him. When I was hurt and angry at my family, I did not want to acknowledge Him at all. When I heard the teachings about how if you do things wrong you are a sinner and must repent, I did not feel like repenting for misbehaving in school or hurting my brother because he hurt me too. I was so alone, I did not take responsibility for the sins I did because I justified them for needing attention. I didn't think about God, because He was only there for good people and I did not consider myself one of those. I hated the long services we had to sit through, and deep down questioned why. I pretended to be good, because I felt I had to be perfect to be accepted in the outer world, but my heart was not there.

         Just like so many other times in my life. I faked smiling and caring about my friends, but inside I felt indifferent and strange. I had to have friends because it was acceptable, but I didn't connect to them at all. We just liked each other for the actions we did together and attention  received from it. Such as being silly, or dressing up and making skits, or playing together. I was chronically over at friends' houses all my life because my mother dropped me off there whenever she went out, so I learned that friends had you over anytime even when you were not truly connected. My best friend and I were only connected by playing with Barbies together, and in 4th grade I stopped talking to her without a second thought, even though she told me she was hurt. I didn't care, I didn't believe her. To me I was just an awkward, quiet, boring, ugly person that did not matter to anyone. So I became friends with the troublemakers, those where the ones who really felt interesting to me. They were fun, and we had lots in common. Including bashing teachers and snobs, and trying to gain as much buck for our dollars as we could. Never did close feelings come up, or any signs of affection besides praising each other's bad behavior and occasional gifts that we both valued.

           Then when I was ten, we moved and I walked away from everyone without a numb feeling. I made new friends and made sure to hide my secrets, and as I was hitting puberty I dumped them all on a fly because they were acting rude to me. This time I actually felt the pain, and loneliness. I cried and cried every night, but didn't show a drop of emotion at school when I saw them. I just acted superior and like their comments and aggression didn't hurt me. But inside my chips were breaking. I wallowed in self pity, and vowed not to get close to anyone anymore. I shut the world away, and became even more repressed. I was extremely withdrawn, and did everything right not to stick out. I made new friends just for the show of it but never had them over, scared of getting close. My main friend mocked me mercilessly, and I felt like a nerdy loser to her. I pretended not to care because of my embarrassment of her being right. I was full of shame and self doubt. I had nothing to do with God except for the occasional prayer, and hope that He help me out. 

           In high school, I rebelled big time. I dropped my good girl poster just a bit, and hung out with hardcore bad people. We mocked all the goody goodies, and hated all the "cool" people. I settled for being stepped over in all my relationships. I did not know how to exist any other way, I could not show up as myself for fear that I was too damaged for anyone to love me. So I used surface relationships for validation.

      I used my exterior for attention, and at the same time hated myself for it. I knew there was more to me but could not access it. So of course nobody else could either. I was so ashamed of myself and all my bad desires, which I came to realize made me a bad person because God hated those qualities. So I pushed myself down even further. I gave up on being good, and anxiety took over every time I was called out on bad behavior. I was depressed most of the time, and the only time I wasn't was in pursuit of narcissists who wanted to drink my blood. During those times, I felt desperate for my life that they love me, and ended the relationships with connection to the higher power that allowed me to cry in misery.

          Then I met my husband, a shy, quiet, and intense man who had patience for me. I grabbed him and set out to change my life. First, I cried to God to help me change directions, and give me hope. That was what really helped, and the marriage celebration went by in a foggy daze of questioning what I was doing. That was the beginning of my journey to where I am now. I had nothing else to hold onto for safety, because I had to face myself. This was a fellow codependent, and as much as I wanted the job of my happiness to fall in his hands, I had to do it alone. It took a lot of fights and threats, but I finally got to a place where I am happy with myself in my marriage. It is not easy adjusting to someone with such a different vibe than your system is used to from your childhood, and the idiosyncrasies sometimes get to me when my old beliefs rise up, but I keep forcing them away and accept that I am still a baby in learning to love. 

          And with all that, it describes my relationship with G-d. Because my relationship with others leads to how I feel about G-d.. It is up and down, sometimes felt strongly and in ecstasy, and sometimes gets shrouded in chaos.

 Love, 

A flawed Adoptee