Letdown from Therapist, Importance of Connected Crying In Intimacy
My daughter's therapist was uncomfortable with my demonstration of how I have the baby cry out her feelings. She likes my soft way of talking to my daughter, and admitted to seeing the distress on her face that showed something was going on in her, but she questioned of the way I was holding her closely.
She asked me if I was aware of attunement with children, as in knowing when they need their space. I turned cold. She was accusing me of being overbearing to my child! I was so hurt and let down.
I told her yes, I was aware of it, but that I didn't think that was the case here because I know my daughter and I see her distress is not because of my being too close to her. I said that babies are attached to their parent until 9 months, and that they wouldn't get upset for their mother "invading" their space because they needed to be connected with her, and looking into eyes is a sign of intimacy... Even as I said it I saw the weakness of it's validity.
She was uncomfortable with it, and was saying, does the baby really need to cry?
I brought up about disassociation; that just because a baby seemed content they can still have feelings lurking inside them that they are detached from because they can't handle being in them. I think that since I repressed hearing her for so long she became used to feeling Unsafe about floating in them, and now i need to retrain her from the past 9 months....
I can SEE her feelings inside through how she appears happy with strangers and with being playful, but when she is not smiling at others for attention she seems antsy and in hypertension.
I saw that she thought I was too much uptight about my child's emotions, and it hurt. She left us with the importance of being "good enough" parents, and knowing that sometimes strife creates healthy learning for children in understanding that even though parents make mistakes they still care, and that promotes healthier relationships later on in life. I agreed, and this was something I was realizing more lately as I repaired our broken bond at times. We can still feel increased love towards each other even though she was hurt by me. But the crying is still important to get out her feelings and understand them.
I proposed yesterday that in order to know if you really connect with your child, one needs to actually feel like crying too when the child is. Because you are connected, you feel their emotions, and it creates the rise of stress chemicals in you that need to be released through tears as well. If we block our own distress at our child's distress, we cannot fully be connected.
I know I feel distress when I sense my daughter's unease, because when I am working and know she is tense I cannot be fully in my work.
I felt very understood when my husband said to my crying baby last night, "We know you want to eat but you don't really, you just need to get out your feelings and we want you to learn not to stuff them and feel comfortable letting them out."
Love,
An Adoptee
She asked me if I was aware of attunement with children, as in knowing when they need their space. I turned cold. She was accusing me of being overbearing to my child! I was so hurt and let down.
I told her yes, I was aware of it, but that I didn't think that was the case here because I know my daughter and I see her distress is not because of my being too close to her. I said that babies are attached to their parent until 9 months, and that they wouldn't get upset for their mother "invading" their space because they needed to be connected with her, and looking into eyes is a sign of intimacy... Even as I said it I saw the weakness of it's validity.
She was uncomfortable with it, and was saying, does the baby really need to cry?
I brought up about disassociation; that just because a baby seemed content they can still have feelings lurking inside them that they are detached from because they can't handle being in them. I think that since I repressed hearing her for so long she became used to feeling Unsafe about floating in them, and now i need to retrain her from the past 9 months....
I can SEE her feelings inside through how she appears happy with strangers and with being playful, but when she is not smiling at others for attention she seems antsy and in hypertension.
I saw that she thought I was too much uptight about my child's emotions, and it hurt. She left us with the importance of being "good enough" parents, and knowing that sometimes strife creates healthy learning for children in understanding that even though parents make mistakes they still care, and that promotes healthier relationships later on in life. I agreed, and this was something I was realizing more lately as I repaired our broken bond at times. We can still feel increased love towards each other even though she was hurt by me. But the crying is still important to get out her feelings and understand them.
I proposed yesterday that in order to know if you really connect with your child, one needs to actually feel like crying too when the child is. Because you are connected, you feel their emotions, and it creates the rise of stress chemicals in you that need to be released through tears as well. If we block our own distress at our child's distress, we cannot fully be connected.
I know I feel distress when I sense my daughter's unease, because when I am working and know she is tense I cannot be fully in my work.
I felt very understood when my husband said to my crying baby last night, "We know you want to eat but you don't really, you just need to get out your feelings and we want you to learn not to stuff them and feel comfortable letting them out."
Love,
An Adoptee
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