Mental Illness As Reality

-
           Mental illness. It is such a stigma and I've always dreaded that I had it. Since I was a small child and found out that my real mother had it. And my brother acted overly anxious and different as a kid. I was ashamed of it and them. I knew inside that it was in me, and thereby caused it to manifest. I acted strange and babyish on purpose. Like a clown. Because in my head I felt I was crazy. 

          It has always been my fear that everyone would find out so I did everything to hide myself. I grew to feel inner stigmatization of myself. Beat myself up all the time. I was preparing myself for reality to hit and end up in the situation I felt inside. It was the only drive in life, the dreaded anticipation. Whereas some dream of wedding gowns and families of their own, I dreamed of ending up in a mental home or on the street. Just like my mother. 

            I don't know how I woke up from that reality, but apparently my mother did not know anything about my past self image. Because she is now worried that I am going mad and need psychological evaluation. She doesn't know that I anticipated it all my life, she is just waking up now to the idea of my need for evaluation. 

            Hi Mommy, it's nice to meet you finally. Now you see what's going on inside. Even though I'm sure deep down you've known for years. You don't care about my soul you only care about my image. Its actually funny to watch her jumping around like a clown trying to catch all the juggling balls. I am just facing my pain, and yes I am mentally ill. My feelings have been stunted and i am left in the process of repairing them. There's nothing wrong with that, and if i would have been helped when they were still growing I wouldn't be in this place now. 

          So it makes perfect sense that I am mentally ill in my emotional life. I do not trust, do not value myself deep down. Especially when triggered, my reality becomes full forcedly destructive and I cannot think rationally at all. If I keep thinking this is my normal, I will never change. Beliefs solidify and become reality. We do have power of how we chose our life to be. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Limbic Brain Flashbacks From Trauma

-
There is nothing without love. Life starts within the mother’s womb, where she and her child are one. She is all he knows, and he needs her to develop his emotional brain, until he can become an autonomous self. Therefore, why are the role of women so inferior in society? They basically make up a human’s development of skills, true self-worth (that they are loved by another person), and growth potential.  Nancy Verrier says in Coming Home to Self that the experiences we have during the first three years of life “play a big part in our overall attitudes and beliefs” (Page 382). Personally I felt beaten down a lot, in my emotional body and ability to use my strengths of giving love. I feel like a shadow of a person, in this world, my skills and worth invisible to myself and to everyone else. This has to do with my suffering from the primal wound of being relinquished from my biological mother, and then adopted when I was a few months old. Verrier states, “Severing of the bond with th
Read more

Daughter and Projection of Anxiety

-
My daughter was anxious as me when we got back. I wanted to write a whole letter to my Rabbi about the community ignorance of emotions, and she was not falling asleep. I was kind of on edge and finished it. Then she ran around the house and I made myself some food even though I snacked earlier. She started squishing the cherry tomatos, and I recognized that it was from her frustrated emotions so I said to her, "You're angry right?" And she delighted and repeated the word and squeezed some more on them with her fingers. I winced inside a bit from the waste, and tried to focus. It was good that I was trying to validate her a bit, unlike how I was never validated at all for my grief as a baby. But it was hard because I was stressed. Needed time to myself and yet she needed my attention... And I felt a spiral coming. I desperately tried to hold on to myself and her. My mind was telling me that she was needy and that I was doing a bad job. But my heart was screaming for focus
Read more

Who Are Adopted Children Really

-
          Is it any wonder that the adopted child feels so unreal. Journey of The Adopted Self by Betty Jean Lifton inspired me to think about this. Reading the first few chapters and so excited with it. It speaks to my soul and resonates, being truth to me. She said that no one romanticizes mothers more than adoptees. As a blind person who tries to imagine how the sun looks upon a flower, the adopted child never experienced their mother, so there is plenty to imagine in their minds what it means. True, and why I have a hard time understanding the concept of true belonging.        As my older also adopted sister told me, why am I sad about adoption? I should just be happy and apply the knowledge that it was for my good, and a wonderful thing that I was adopted because   she my birth mother could not take care of me properly for her life. She expected me to just not feel sad about that and deny all the pain and feelings of non-belonging and yearning for a place in the world all of
Read more