Purpose In Life
It's hard to do the right thing in this world for so many reasons. We are so bogged down by our desires, that we forget that we are here for a purpose and the only true happiness is fulfilling that purpose. As Ralph Smart says, do what makes you increase your energy and not decrease it. When you are truly fulfilling in life, you will feel more alive and energetic, as apposed to feeling more and more lack.
It's funny, these days more people on earth are waking up and questioning their purpose, not satisfied with the typical order of how life is mapped out for us- work, relationship, shop, party, entertain, and sleep. It is being questioned as the normal path cut out for the average person, as more and more people are drawn to spirituality and purpose. It was funny when four years ago, I was sitting in my misunderstanding therapist's room and complaining to her about not knowing my purpose of being here, and she answered incredulously that in her days, "We didn't question our purpose of life, we just lived for the moment!" Of course it made me feel extremely alien, and I tried pushing down the question from my mind and to live more for the moment. But it did not satisfy me. I believe every one has a different path of thinking, and should accept themselves and go in the direction their mind pulls them.
I believe that neglecting purpose comes from not believing strongly enough in oneself. Those of us who have gone through hell, and you know what I mean, the kind that lacks severely any sincere emotional connection and you had to blame yourself for it because you were too young to know any better, have a more desperate need to make something of themselves. Because once you lose something precious, you know it's worth, and those of us who missed out on feeling loved, know that it is the most important thing in life. So we will go out of our way to make sure it is there, and strong. Through healthy and unhealthy ways, depending on how aware we are of our loss. If we deny our suffering, for the shame of belief that we are still at fault for it, we will always remain in state of lack and victim hood inside, no matter how desperately one tries to cover it.
Anyway, I was thinking that since I had that lack of love so strongly built into my psyche, and I no longer blame myself for, I am working towards never letting that state enter my body again. I cannot handle it, it is poison to my blood as it has done too much damage already. I need love to conquer it, and show it that it is possible to live without chains. It is extremely hard though, when everyone around is working against me seemingly, and I have to fight with myself not to take in their reality.
Those who live in unawareness, below the veil of consciousness, as Lisa A. Romano says, live in shame and doubt that drive them to have a false self that will not allow them to accept full self-love. They never had it, so they do not know how to get it. They end up gas lighting those who try to get love, because they cannot give it since it is in lack in their bodies. They don't realize that love is abundance, and there is enough of it to go around. They feel they must be selfish and keep the love they feel is only enough to give themselves.
I am going against the nature I grew up with- taking everyone's expectations for me as my own. I am shutting off their critique of my sadness and grief at having lost something which seems imaginary to them. I seem MENTAL, having gone CRAZY for having strong emotions bubbling in the surface of my body. When I look them in the eye, they see my wavering hesitation, and they cannot understand why I would make myself such a shameful sight. I know in my heart that I need it to heal, I need to let the pain surface. Around them, they want me to shut it off, and close the lid on feeling. It hurts like knives to my soul, and I want to cut off these enemies forever. But I know that I cannot, that one day they will understand what their hearts do not let them take in.
I fight on, because I see my happiness at the end of the tunnel. My carefree, unrestrained love flying high. I want to be alive in this world, not only in the next one. I want to show myself that I can do it, that I can be there for myself. I just KNOW that I can, as I have always known. No longer is strange or different a bad word, that I need to shut down at all costs.
As says in Lost and Found by Betty Jean Lifton, pages 173-174:
I especially liked the joke at the end, where she says it's important to know how to laugh at yourself as an adoptee:
Sincerely,
An Adoptee Soul
It's funny, these days more people on earth are waking up and questioning their purpose, not satisfied with the typical order of how life is mapped out for us- work, relationship, shop, party, entertain, and sleep. It is being questioned as the normal path cut out for the average person, as more and more people are drawn to spirituality and purpose. It was funny when four years ago, I was sitting in my misunderstanding therapist's room and complaining to her about not knowing my purpose of being here, and she answered incredulously that in her days, "We didn't question our purpose of life, we just lived for the moment!" Of course it made me feel extremely alien, and I tried pushing down the question from my mind and to live more for the moment. But it did not satisfy me. I believe every one has a different path of thinking, and should accept themselves and go in the direction their mind pulls them.
I believe that neglecting purpose comes from not believing strongly enough in oneself. Those of us who have gone through hell, and you know what I mean, the kind that lacks severely any sincere emotional connection and you had to blame yourself for it because you were too young to know any better, have a more desperate need to make something of themselves. Because once you lose something precious, you know it's worth, and those of us who missed out on feeling loved, know that it is the most important thing in life. So we will go out of our way to make sure it is there, and strong. Through healthy and unhealthy ways, depending on how aware we are of our loss. If we deny our suffering, for the shame of belief that we are still at fault for it, we will always remain in state of lack and victim hood inside, no matter how desperately one tries to cover it.
Anyway, I was thinking that since I had that lack of love so strongly built into my psyche, and I no longer blame myself for, I am working towards never letting that state enter my body again. I cannot handle it, it is poison to my blood as it has done too much damage already. I need love to conquer it, and show it that it is possible to live without chains. It is extremely hard though, when everyone around is working against me seemingly, and I have to fight with myself not to take in their reality.
Those who live in unawareness, below the veil of consciousness, as Lisa A. Romano says, live in shame and doubt that drive them to have a false self that will not allow them to accept full self-love. They never had it, so they do not know how to get it. They end up gas lighting those who try to get love, because they cannot give it since it is in lack in their bodies. They don't realize that love is abundance, and there is enough of it to go around. They feel they must be selfish and keep the love they feel is only enough to give themselves.
I am going against the nature I grew up with- taking everyone's expectations for me as my own. I am shutting off their critique of my sadness and grief at having lost something which seems imaginary to them. I seem MENTAL, having gone CRAZY for having strong emotions bubbling in the surface of my body. When I look them in the eye, they see my wavering hesitation, and they cannot understand why I would make myself such a shameful sight. I know in my heart that I need it to heal, I need to let the pain surface. Around them, they want me to shut it off, and close the lid on feeling. It hurts like knives to my soul, and I want to cut off these enemies forever. But I know that I cannot, that one day they will understand what their hearts do not let them take in.
I fight on, because I see my happiness at the end of the tunnel. My carefree, unrestrained love flying high. I want to be alive in this world, not only in the next one. I want to show myself that I can do it, that I can be there for myself. I just KNOW that I can, as I have always known. No longer is strange or different a bad word, that I need to shut down at all costs.
As says in Lost and Found by Betty Jean Lifton, pages 173-174:
For all the suffering, Adoptees find that it is a relief to be part of the human condition... Those who, until now, felt bypassed and abandoned, can now allow themselves, in Erikson's terms, to be chosen and confirmed...
It comes when we can enjoy the positive side of being adopted- not being entrapped by roots as others are...We have the satisfaction of knowing that we have mastered our fate on both the immediate and ultimate levels. The immediate- what Lionel Tiger calls Little Optimism (you'll make the bus), and the ultimate- the Big Optimism (you'll get to heaven).
I especially liked the joke at the end, where she says it's important to know how to laugh at yourself as an adoptee:
Me: why don't we know who we are after we find them?So ultimately, I know my suffering has purpose, and it helped me hold on to the most important thing in life, that is love and connection with yourself. I think many nonadoptees (Ha I made up a new word) do not realize the importance of roots and family, and they take for granted that they hold see their ancestors' graves in their minds, which I read somewhere in Lost and Found. They do not even know how significant it is for us to know our roots, and I find it ironic how the very same ones who do not value our reunion with our birth family, and minimize its' importance, write things on Facebook about how a mother will forever be in your heart, no matter where you are, and how much time passes.... Where does that leave us and our mothers? Or they cry buckets at their mothers' funerals, even though until the day she died they terrorized her with hateful words and mocking.
Hudband: Even the nonadopted don't know who they are. You Adoptees ask for the moon.
Sincerely,
An Adoptee Soul
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