Relationships Call Our Wounded Parts To Heal

           Melanie Tonia Evans says in her video What Is Narcissistic Abuse Really Teaching Us, that when we fight with the narcissist, our deepest needs of trying to be seen are coming up and we start to sound like an insane person. Because they trigger us from our fragmented place. Us codependents because we still operate from a bit of a true self, can get really hurt from the narcissist, who is entrapped in a false self that nothing really gets to them. This is what hurts us so much- that they have no qualms about tearing us down, because they never truly were invested in us from a true place.

         She says that healthy people in relationship can see when they are triggered from the past and own up to their fault and resolve to grow from their mistakes. With a narcissist, they never admit to their flaws, so every reconcile with them has to include the denial of their fault and the codependent takes the blame for the narcissist's issues in the fight! For example, if the narcissist calls the codependent a name, and the codependent rightfully asks for an apology, the narcissist will find a way to make the codependent feel like it was justified, because of a time in the past where the codependent had wronged him. This is crazy making, because it has nothing to do with the present misdeed. This makes codependents a good source of supply because the narcissist will know they are given leeway to do whatever they please, with no boundaries. Since the relationship gets more and more entrenched in denial, with the codependent having to match the narcissist to their ideal version of perfection despite the increasing discrepancies in their behavior, the relationship has no room for growth for either party. The narcissist just mirrors the codependent's deepest fears, leaving him with heightened awareness of them. There is potential for the codependent to grow tremendously from this, when he finally breaks free of the narcissist.

           If we don't take responsible for our wounded past we will never be able to grow.

           Healthy people will push us to see our wounds and heal our unhealed past. In no way do they let us get away with forcing them to cater to our childhood wounds.

       
         No one is waking up in these non conscious relationships.

         When we are in growth oriented relationships, we learn to generate own power and share it. 

         Narcissistic abuse intensifies because you're calling your insides wounds that are screaming in pain to heal. 

         This is why people stay depressed. Because their inner sadness from past wounds are trying to be seen.

          This all makes soo much sense, and when I was in relationships with my narcissists, I was baffled by their inability to show me that they cared. It made no sense to me how one day they could be so in love with me, and the next just shoot me down by saying I was never anything to them. It stung so hard, and I have realized that I attracted these hurts because I truly felt I deserved them, and I did not deserve someone who would see me and love me unconditionally. So as much as it hurt, it resonated in my subconscious. One even told me, that I was only in it for drama, and that confused me even more because why would they admit that they were just out to create drama and could not love me? But even with that statement I stayed because I told myself this was love. The fact that someone was admitting to me that they couldn't love me, because in some twisted way this meant they did.

          I am glad that my husband now does not let me get away with getting triggered by him and blaming him for my hurts. He sometimes gets caught up in his own triggers when I am hurting him, and yells back and we have yelling match. However, we are always able to realize where it came from and apologize. I have seen it get better, for example, When I got angry with him for not cleaning up after himself because it triggered my need to feel respected because I was not seen in my past, I remind myself that he does care and I explain from a calm way what I felt. He then apologizes and understands. Everything is better when we don't scream, because we can see things clearer and do not get bogged down by our past feelings of shame and inadequacy. Unfortunately, this doesn't happen often enough, and we still have hard times seeing each other not through our wounds. Sometimes we subconsciously expect the other to "fix" the situation, and if they don't, we just wait for it to pass. This was how it was in both our childhoods- we were powerless to change anything, and people went on being loud and harassing without control.

           Love,
           An Adoptee Soul