Screw People Who Don't Want to See Your Pain, THEY'RE the Wounded ones

          The negative thoughts come from our codependent mind, the positive come from our true selves.

           I have to stop spilling my story out to people who do not have compassion for it. They cannot take me facing my pain it is too much for them to handle. I need people to see my pain and be with me in it. I don't have enough people in my life​ that do and it's making me feel crazy. 

         I am still expecting my brother, mother, sister and everyone else I have contact with to see my pain. But they mostly don't. 

         Alan Robarge, relationship coach, says in the video about emotional regulation and attachment trauma that we all need other people to help us regulate our emotions. As well as ourselves of course. But when we are in a relationship and become reactive and triggered, we need the other person to help us see ourselves those times. Because we cannot do it alone. 

          Melanie Tonia Evans talked about this too- that healthy relationships need mirroring to help us grow. They help mirror our wounded parts and don't let us get away with reactive behavior. 

          Anyway, I am still very reactive and am looking to be seen in my pain. But they cannot see it, and get nervous with me every time I don't act fully mature. The reason I take it and don't just run away is because I am programmed to feel ashamed for having needs, so I squander them when they are not validate. When they are validated I don't trust it. 

           When my husband came home today and saw me in a bad mood, he told me he read my latest blog and it was nice to hear. I snapped at him, don't try to make me feel better by talking about my blog now. He said he was really not trying to do that, but I couldn't take in his validation because I was so used to feeling unheard. I am also paranoid that he just needs me to be perfect so when he sees me upset he bribes me to make me happy but it's not real.

             So yeah, now you know how screwed up my marriage is. 

             Also, about my daughter and the repression from crying- I realized that my perception was that she couldn't cry because I was too awful and she could see that I don't truly care. But I realized that she is able to cry out her emotions, she is not truly as blocked as I am. She just did and I believe she is a bit calmer as she is sleeping now.

            Now I need to realize that my negative thoughts are coming from a bad place and are not my true self, and work on having compassion for myself. This goes hand in hand with only being in my wounded state with people who CAN care and want to validate my story. 

           Because everyone has a story that they need to be heard, and those who cannot hear it are acting narcissistic. They are wounded themselves and cannot deal with pain.

            I saw a great quote: "I like people to be unhappy because I like them to have souls​." By Virginia Woolf. I've always felt that when people can be sad, they are most alive because they face their pain. 

           My misunderstanding therapist told me that I was the opposite of humble because I had low self esteem, from the pain I went through. I was so hurt, because in the past an encouraging mentor told me I was able to be more humble BECAUSE of my pain, and she was taking that away from me. I still feel that wasn't right of her to say to me, and she should have HELPED me see how my pain affected me.

          

          I believe that by FACING my pain I can be humble because it can make me see that what happened to me is not who I am, and this can help me rise above my wounds. 

            For now, I may be egotistical when I am not facing my pain, because I'll feel my wounds need to be heard.

            "There is a healing that comes with solid discussion of the events. Never let someone silence what you need to say. Narcissistic behavior causes trauma. if your family or friends cannot understand the necessity of your healing process seek a counselor. You aren't crazy, what we've lived through is crazy. It needs to be spoken of for our healing.The healing process is not quick. The nightmares and flashbacks are real. Never let someone diminish what  you have lived."- T Jill.