Speaking With My Birth Parents
I spoke to my Birth Mother yesterday for the third time this year, and since I was six. It was lovely. The conversation flowed, even when I could not remember what I wanted to say and paused, she was still listening, and I had no doubt that she would not be nervous with me for taking some time to think. She told me she was waiting for my call, and for the first time, I believed someone when they said that to me.
Then, something weird happened. My birth Father, who visits her occasionally because they are not together and he has a different girlfriend, came to visit her!! She said one second, let me get the door, and then I hear her exclaiming that she was talking to me, and I knew it was him. He took the phone, and was surprised and cool.
I felt for the first time like I was grounded.
I asked her about my name and she said she named me after a famous sitcom character that she liked from the 80s that I never heard of. Later on I checked it up and it resonated because she was confident and no nonsense, and I always admired those kind of women. The show even had it's last call on MY BIRTHDAY!
I asked her how my birth went, and she kept saying it was good, as if she didn't want to guilt me for being born. It was so nice but I felt like she had no selfishness in her bones because she fully accepted that she couldn't keep us, as she said it so casually that she went home and I stayed in the hospital a few days until my adoptive parents picked me up. My heart sank as I realized how lonely I must have felt without her. But she didn't notice, as she assured me that I was taken care of by the nurses. She didn't understand.
I asked her more about her visits to see me as a child, and she wasn't very forth coming about how they felt. She just said I was shy and quiet. That sounds right.
I tried to make her see my point of view by saying that I appreciate my adoptive parents raising me and I didn't lack anything physically, but I still feel something missing in my subconscious and I grew up feeling estranged from everyone else. She jumped in to say that "You shouldn't feel that way, you were chosen!" I almost laughed because she was saying that generic answer that many adoptive parents thrive in using because it makes them feel good. I may have been chosen by people who needed a child, but that is not my side it is their story.
My story is that I was separated from my birth mother and raised by strangers. Nice strangers, granted, but still unfamiliar to me. I still suffered a loss that stayed with me. I just saw a quote of Facebook that I will have to add in here because it fits perfectly with what I mean. Hold on.
"PTSD survivors see everything through the lens of TRAUMA. Those who love them need to realize that because of this they will SEE things differently than others, and REACT differently than others." I cannot even tell you how much that resonates with me.
It was interesting how my birth parents were so excited to meet me, as if that was their first wish speaking with me. It is something intangible, the need to see your child. It proceeds the getting to know about a person stage. It is full on interest without reason or logic.
The first thing my father told me on the phone was wow, it's been so long! You were a baby last time we spoke. My heart filled with love, and I was didn't know what to say because I was scared I would make him hang up by being stupid. But he sounded so enthusiastic, and I reassured myself that I was acting irrational and from my child self who was scared of abandonment again. So I acted natural, and from my rational brain. Inside I wanted to shout "I love you! Do you realize that you are my father?!!" So luckily, he was looking forward to meeting me too, and as I told him about how many grandchildren he had, he sounded happier and more surprised. He joked about how my Birth mother was smiling so much, and we both laughed.
It was interesting how my birth mother was keen on meeting me ONLY with my other biological sister who lives in her town, whom she is in touch with because her adoptive mother brought her up as well. She explained that she wouldn't want me to meet her adoptive mother, because is not family. I later understood that this was because of her adversity with her mother, because she was jealous of her adoptive daughter that she could have natural kids. She also described how her adoptive mom advocated against her raising her children, telling the judge that she was unfit because of her mental illness. I understood that she was not a very compassionate person, which I also got from how she did not want to have anything to do with Birth mom's real parents, and berated my biological sister for finding information about them.
So it would make sense that my Birth mom has trust issues, and is guarded against her adoptive family. She has been through a lot, and I find it miraculous that she is even living and sounds happy. I guess G-d gives the broken-hearted strength to go on.
Anyway, I am not going to fall head over heals in my infatuation, I have read enough and researched about adoption reunions to know that it isn't smart to expect everything from them. I am guarding my heart against disappointment, and will take it slowly as I meet them in person again. I do feel happiness in my heart though, just knowing that I am as important to them as they are to me.
I am no longer a blimp in the system, I feel like life suddenly has purpose. I suddenly see things clearer, and I feel like I make a little more sense. Life is more colorful and exciting.
Thanks for listening,
An Adoptee in Reunion
Then, something weird happened. My birth Father, who visits her occasionally because they are not together and he has a different girlfriend, came to visit her!! She said one second, let me get the door, and then I hear her exclaiming that she was talking to me, and I knew it was him. He took the phone, and was surprised and cool.
I felt for the first time like I was grounded.
I asked her about my name and she said she named me after a famous sitcom character that she liked from the 80s that I never heard of. Later on I checked it up and it resonated because she was confident and no nonsense, and I always admired those kind of women. The show even had it's last call on MY BIRTHDAY!
I asked her how my birth went, and she kept saying it was good, as if she didn't want to guilt me for being born. It was so nice but I felt like she had no selfishness in her bones because she fully accepted that she couldn't keep us, as she said it so casually that she went home and I stayed in the hospital a few days until my adoptive parents picked me up. My heart sank as I realized how lonely I must have felt without her. But she didn't notice, as she assured me that I was taken care of by the nurses. She didn't understand.
I asked her more about her visits to see me as a child, and she wasn't very forth coming about how they felt. She just said I was shy and quiet. That sounds right.
I tried to make her see my point of view by saying that I appreciate my adoptive parents raising me and I didn't lack anything physically, but I still feel something missing in my subconscious and I grew up feeling estranged from everyone else. She jumped in to say that "You shouldn't feel that way, you were chosen!" I almost laughed because she was saying that generic answer that many adoptive parents thrive in using because it makes them feel good. I may have been chosen by people who needed a child, but that is not my side it is their story.
My story is that I was separated from my birth mother and raised by strangers. Nice strangers, granted, but still unfamiliar to me. I still suffered a loss that stayed with me. I just saw a quote of Facebook that I will have to add in here because it fits perfectly with what I mean. Hold on.
"PTSD survivors see everything through the lens of TRAUMA. Those who love them need to realize that because of this they will SEE things differently than others, and REACT differently than others." I cannot even tell you how much that resonates with me.
It was interesting how my birth parents were so excited to meet me, as if that was their first wish speaking with me. It is something intangible, the need to see your child. It proceeds the getting to know about a person stage. It is full on interest without reason or logic.
The first thing my father told me on the phone was wow, it's been so long! You were a baby last time we spoke. My heart filled with love, and I was didn't know what to say because I was scared I would make him hang up by being stupid. But he sounded so enthusiastic, and I reassured myself that I was acting irrational and from my child self who was scared of abandonment again. So I acted natural, and from my rational brain. Inside I wanted to shout "I love you! Do you realize that you are my father?!!" So luckily, he was looking forward to meeting me too, and as I told him about how many grandchildren he had, he sounded happier and more surprised. He joked about how my Birth mother was smiling so much, and we both laughed.
It was interesting how my birth mother was keen on meeting me ONLY with my other biological sister who lives in her town, whom she is in touch with because her adoptive mother brought her up as well. She explained that she wouldn't want me to meet her adoptive mother, because is not family. I later understood that this was because of her adversity with her mother, because she was jealous of her adoptive daughter that she could have natural kids. She also described how her adoptive mom advocated against her raising her children, telling the judge that she was unfit because of her mental illness. I understood that she was not a very compassionate person, which I also got from how she did not want to have anything to do with Birth mom's real parents, and berated my biological sister for finding information about them.
So it would make sense that my Birth mom has trust issues, and is guarded against her adoptive family. She has been through a lot, and I find it miraculous that she is even living and sounds happy. I guess G-d gives the broken-hearted strength to go on.
Anyway, I am not going to fall head over heals in my infatuation, I have read enough and researched about adoption reunions to know that it isn't smart to expect everything from them. I am guarding my heart against disappointment, and will take it slowly as I meet them in person again. I do feel happiness in my heart though, just knowing that I am as important to them as they are to me.
I am no longer a blimp in the system, I feel like life suddenly has purpose. I suddenly see things clearer, and I feel like I make a little more sense. Life is more colorful and exciting.
Thanks for listening,
An Adoptee in Reunion
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