Talking to My Birth Mother and finding Myself
I was feeling numb watching my daughter crying and unable to calm down to sleep comfortably, and woke up every hour.
Then I spoke to my birth mother. I had to let her know when I was coming to visit. She was happy, and was about to hang up. I stopped her and asked if I could continue talking to her. She said yeah, but it seemed she did not feel she deserved to or had anything else to tell me. But she told me she was hoping I'd call her today, because it was her birth day. We made up to speak every few weeks, so I find it shocking that it was this day that I chose to call her.
I should add that she asked if we should meet in the pizza shop, and I said we'll see. She took that to mean I was not so interested, because she then said, okay if I don't get to see you I will send money in the mail. I straight up said we were coming specifically to see her, and I was hoping we would of course. She said oh me too. So detached is she. That's where I get it from with not knowing if people really are interested and not wanting to impose myself. Even with my daughter.
I preceded to question her about her life, and everything was very flatly answered in one word - good. She was adopted too, and when I asked her about feeling different and like she didn't belong, and she yeah but everyone feels that way. I said no that is not true. And that people who grew up with their parents and feeling accepted do not. She agreed, but said she was happy. She said she made friends, and has parties and is okay now. I said I work on not feeling like I do not belong because I know that it is not true, and All of humanity has a reason and purpose for being alive. She agreed and sounded like I was telling her something new.
I told her I felt bad for her for her life, and she said, "Yeah but I have friends and you call me so don't feel bad, and I won't feel bad for you." As if it was a bad thing. I told her it wasn't, and I still have sadness from it. And it stayed in my heart from everything she went through, too.
She said she had kids because she liked children, but the judges said she was unfit to keep them. I asked how she feels about it, and she said she is okay with it, and happy I had good upbringing. I told her I still felt something sad in me.
She offered for us to stay with her when we come for the weekend, and I said no, I wanted to take things slow. She still offered it again later in the conversation.
I asked her how she feels that her kids all live away from her, and she agreed that it is too bad, and she said she calls my other sister every day, who ignores her calls and only speaks once a month. I said what we're you hoping for? That we will act like your kids? And she said I know. I just want to speak to my kids. I said you must be happy I am calling you. She said yes. I found the whole thing very ironic.
I asked her if she felt worthy of life, and she said she does when she helps everyone and gives them money, I thought so. I told her I also feel unworthy, and sometimes don't feel worthy of being a mother. She right away asked, "Do you want to give up your kid?" In panic. I answered affirmative, but said I would not do it I just FELT that way. I was trying to show how hard it was for me, but she felt the same way as me so it did not register in her that this was not normal.
I guess I got it from her genetics because I am her daughter. So it is like I am doubly adopted. Because the genetics pass down feelings as well. For example, when I told her my brother was angry and did not want to face adoption problems, she just said, "Oh- send him money from me." As if that would just solve everything. Because she could not feel the true sadness of that statement.
But anyway, I felt soo much better in my spirit, because when my daughter cried right after, I truly FELT her pain and hugged and hugged her, wanting her to know it was okay and I was HERE. Me, the mother who grew her in my body and gave her life. I hope she never feels like I am not, the way I feel so many times with my adoptive mother.
Love,
Adoptee A little more Alive
Then I spoke to my birth mother. I had to let her know when I was coming to visit. She was happy, and was about to hang up. I stopped her and asked if I could continue talking to her. She said yeah, but it seemed she did not feel she deserved to or had anything else to tell me. But she told me she was hoping I'd call her today, because it was her birth day. We made up to speak every few weeks, so I find it shocking that it was this day that I chose to call her.
I preceded to question her about her life, and everything was very flatly answered in one word - good. She was adopted too, and when I asked her about feeling different and like she didn't belong, and she yeah but everyone feels that way. I said no that is not true. And that people who grew up with their parents and feeling accepted do not. She agreed, but said she was happy. She said she made friends, and has parties and is okay now. I said I work on not feeling like I do not belong because I know that it is not true, and All of humanity has a reason and purpose for being alive. She agreed and sounded like I was telling her something new.
I told her I felt bad for her for her life, and she said, "Yeah but I have friends and you call me so don't feel bad, and I won't feel bad for you." As if it was a bad thing. I told her it wasn't, and I still have sadness from it. And it stayed in my heart from everything she went through, too.
She said she had kids because she liked children, but the judges said she was unfit to keep them. I asked how she feels about it, and she said she is okay with it, and happy I had good upbringing. I told her I still felt something sad in me.
She offered for us to stay with her when we come for the weekend, and I said no, I wanted to take things slow. She still offered it again later in the conversation.
I asked her how she feels that her kids all live away from her, and she agreed that it is too bad, and she said she calls my other sister every day, who ignores her calls and only speaks once a month. I said what we're you hoping for? That we will act like your kids? And she said I know. I just want to speak to my kids. I said you must be happy I am calling you. She said yes. I found the whole thing very ironic.
I asked her if she felt worthy of life, and she said she does when she helps everyone and gives them money, I thought so. I told her I also feel unworthy, and sometimes don't feel worthy of being a mother. She right away asked, "Do you want to give up your kid?" In panic. I answered affirmative, but said I would not do it I just FELT that way. I was trying to show how hard it was for me, but she felt the same way as me so it did not register in her that this was not normal.
I guess I got it from her genetics because I am her daughter. So it is like I am doubly adopted. Because the genetics pass down feelings as well. For example, when I told her my brother was angry and did not want to face adoption problems, she just said, "Oh- send him money from me." As if that would just solve everything. Because she could not feel the true sadness of that statement.
But anyway, I felt soo much better in my spirit, because when my daughter cried right after, I truly FELT her pain and hugged and hugged her, wanting her to know it was okay and I was HERE. Me, the mother who grew her in my body and gave her life. I hope she never feels like I am not, the way I feel so many times with my adoptive mother.
Love,
Adoptee A little more Alive
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