What I Want For My Daughter

           What I want in my daughter and self for the future:

           I want us to love each other through thick and thin. I want us to share a bond that transcends hiding secrets to stay in each other's space. I want openness and unconditional love for one another. I want pride and joy in one another's accomplishments. I want anticipation in each other's lives, and non questionable support and encouragement.

           I know these things are a lot to ask for. Especially in the world where parents say they love you but then turn around and betray your feelings by ignoring them or seeming to have better things to do than listen to you vent. I experienced this, that my mother was too busy with my brother to see me, and when I had a problem I did not feel l connected enough to go to her with it.

         If she knew this she denied it's truth, she believed and believes everything was perfect in our relationship. She still expects me to share my life with her, and continues to deny my feelings the right to exist around her. I go through so much confusion and mind screwing with her it is crazy. She acts all happy to see me, and then bashes everything I hold dearest to my heart. If I ever complain about this, she says I am too sensitive and am making things up. As if I can make up how I feel just like that. It is no wonder that I have such a hard time trusting my own desires and will in life. When the person who claimed to love me since I was born treated my feelings like a pendulum, that could swing any way depending on how she wanted to see them.

          I tried and tried all my life to get seen. I threw tantrums and acted reckless in school and in every program I attended. It became ingrained in me that I would never get seen, and I was forever flawed. Everything I did further proved my beliefs. 

          Until now. I am taking steps to changing. I am taking heavy, giant steps to honor my will and testimony. Of who I am. Because every while, I still feel like a caricature of a person not worthy of anyone's time. I still back into the shadows of doubt, and slam my own daughter's will into a brick wall by drowning in helplessness. In staring at her without a clue of how to handle my broken shards of ego, needed everyone and anyone else's help in living my life but my own. Trusting everything but my self. 

          It is truly catastrophic. And then my Mom, who I still let back into my life time and time again to rub salt in my wounds, says to me, you are a nothing of a person who cannot live on her own because you cannot make friends. I just wonder what goes through her mind as she beats her daughter's soul again and again when she is down.

         I need to get out my story, and get it out well so that people can longer take advantage of my deserted body that my soul fled from.

        Abby Miller of Worldwide Soul Hypnosis told me, when I shared my tale of how my family continues to disregard my emotions when I try to tell them my truth, that until I can hold my own pain they will not listen because they sense that I'm trying to get them to share the burden, and it's subconsciously coming from my birth pain of not being cared for properly. I agree, and feel deep shame in my attempts to gain self esteem through others. It reminds me of a codependent acquaintance who would constantly nag on a lot of her friends, including me, to hear her suffering and guilt them by claiming that they didn't understand when they just couldn't get through to her because she was so stuck in her own pain.

        I know there's so much despair and hurt inside that never got validated, and I need to let it out by talking about it. Talking about what happened to me, so that I can accept that I am okay despite the pain I have lounging in my heart. I would love to fly and let it go, and I will when I talk about it and see that I care about it. As a quote goes- "For years I mistakenly focused on what was wrong with me when nothing was actually wrong with me. It was when I shifted my thinking to 'what happened to me' that all kinds of doors opened and I was able to move forward from coping to conquering" By Darlene Ouimet. This applies so strongly to people suffering from attachment traumas and subconsciously learned to blame themselves for their insecurities and inabilities to trust themselves.

         It is only because I love myself that I am talking about my pain. With love, I need to share it with people who can care because otherwise I just get hurt again and again. I am trying to move from being a victim to championing over my pain. I know this pain can move mountains when I use it for good things.

In Love and Light,

An Adoptee at Heart