When You Feel Alone, It Can Sometimes Make You Fall Back into Old Programming

             Blessings are in things that are kept to the individual and known by all. When you go through hard things and are all alone God gives you the most reward. Nobody knowing your pain makes your struggle harder. Being alone is hard. 

              It's hard to see yourself when you are alone. You don't see your greatness. When others will validate you it's easier to be strong. Being alone makes the challenge hard. But it is most rewarding when you look back at how you managed because the hardest work pays off the most.

             We're in this world to work, the harder you work the happier you'll be because you'll see how much accomplished. You'll be proud of yourself and happy with God for creating you. The more spiritual you can become because you had to reach into yourself in the despair and find faith in yourself. 

             In a world where no one values pain and despair you stick with it and rebuild. 

             Stay strong carry on.

           🏶🏶🏶🏶🏶🏶🏶🏶🏶🏶🏶🏶🏶

              It's crazy I just wrote that a few days ago, and yesterday I attracted into my life the same old screaming to be heard to no avail. It was a difficult week, with feeling alone and hurt from my adoptive mother and ignored by my brother, that i decided to try to get some recognition from my adoptive sister, who i have been out of touch with since an old disagreement on aware parenting and where she made me feel crazy for mentioning the importance of not letting your baby cry, because of trust, etc. She lost her cool and told me not to believe everything i read, which of course sent me in shambles because my whole childhood was based on not being able to trust my "mothers" due to their betrayals. 

          So anyways, I started off the text conversation by berating her for not being able to see my pain, and how disconnected I felt from the family because I "never belonged." In retrospective, I knew she wouldn't understand, because i just felt nobody did, and it was an old mechanism I used to reinforce my victimization. It is embarrassing to say that. But starting a fight with a bull ain't ever got anyone anywhere.

           As I expected, she pushed back, screaming at me that I was expecting too much from her and she wouldn't understand me because she can't.

            With All my justified anger in place, I squeezed out the sponge and said she never could understand me and that's why I was done with family and moving far away. 

           This triggered her into saying how I was cutting the family out and it was all my choice, and she wished me the best With my life cuz I was so unhappy.

           Anger and tears coursed through me, and adrenaline rushed to get me that kick of putting the world in their place for mocking/spiting me. With a fresh batch of self protection, I shot back that she could never understand my feelings and i never felt real in the family because they didn't acknowledge that i was adopted and needed validation. 

          It triggered ALL MY FEELINGS OF UNWORTHINESS AND IT WAS JUST LIKE I WAS 10 AGAIN AND FIGHTING WITH MY TEACHERS WHO PUNISHED ME FOR WHAT I FELT WAS UNFAIR. Well, it wasn't fair for someone who was so hurt like me, from never getting noticed for her feelings of shame and loneliness, so I learned over and over again that nobody cared. Reinforced my belief. It became my fortress, my life. I couldn't know how to live without it, and attracted abuse relationships again and again. Because my hologram only knew REJECTION. And FIGHT OR FLIGHT MODE. Sounds familiar, like all those talks about how cortisol rises in the brains of developing infants who experience trauma, by Gabor Mate of Scattered. 

           Anyway, history repeats itself, and repression starts to unravel again and again. So my extremely "kind" sister nailed the coffin by saying that i was SELFISH ONLY SEEING MY SIDE, and I should be grateful for having been adopted by a loving family. My walls inside crumbled and shook, I could not stop. A part of me truly thought I could have her see my side for once.

           I shot back every words I wanted to say to all those naysayers who loved to watch me burn. I said adoption causes a primal wound, that the proof is in how adoptees are overrepresented in treatment clinics, that should I be grateful that I wasn't thrown away? That i don't know my heritage? Etc...

         The next answer proved she was uninterested in budging. She sounded just like our mother as she said that she did not know what I wanted to hear, but I was just keeping to repeat myself, that she knows it is hard for me but she can't understand exactly how I feel, that she does not want to hear it anymore and is warning me to stop sending her these messages about how I feel, etc. 

            Defeat. I remembered Nancy Verrier's Coming Home To Self where she explains that adoptees feel justified in hurting others because they don't feel seen, but it's time they realize that they DO have an affect on others. They only think they don't because their birth mother never came back for them. 

        Sigh. I hate to admit that I'm part of the adoptee problem of provoking others in order to be seen. 

         I learned that when I am intensely invested in pain and trying to make others listen, it is because I am pulled back into triggers of emotional pain from feeling invisible and stepped on.

          The whole time, I was blaming her for being mean and not being able to see me, and I decided she was the immature, selfish one. After all, she is older and not adopted and never felt so out of place. 

          But I was affecting her the same way, and she felt accused and victimized by someone blaming her for not caring. in reality, she wasn't ready to admit that, and was triggered by my babyish behavior. 

        Now I know she can't understand me as a separate person, and it was a waste of feelings and intensity. I regret it so much, it was so immature and self-victimizing. 

        I need good people, and to better my attitude in self-trust and compassion. The world is not against me, it all depends on my own actions. It's okay to cry sometimes, but only with people who are safe and not threatened by your need for compassion. 

         Oh, and in the end I told her that yes I am selfish because no one else is there for me, and we all have to be there for ourselves, as if to accuse her of not letting me be selfish. It's soo sad but I was really talking to myself, and had to let myself own my own pain. 

         So yeah, I guess that teaching of how great it is to be there for yourself and how much growth you can achieve went a little too far. Because I took it to feel victimized and went crazy. 

        Truly, we need to recognize old belief patterns that cause us pain and stop trying to fix it. Just let it go, it is a pain from the past. Keeping it in brings us to be stuck.

And I hate that feeling.

         Love, 

         An Understanding Adoptee