Why
I feel like beating the crap out of something. anger courses through me. I hate my life. I hate everyone. I hate my daughter and her stupid loud hyperventilating sounds. I hate her neediness of me, and how she can't be straight up about her feelings and deal with them alone. Just leave me alone! What the f do you want from me? Because I can't give it to you. I am A mess. Nobody cares about me. I am all alone in the world.
I was filling out the consultation questionnaire for how to help my daughter with her birth trauma, and I didn't listen to the warning. If you start feeling distressed from the questions, stop immediately. I just wrote more and more, and anger and pain welled up in me until I felt like dead weight. I just couldn't stop, I had to finish. I ignored my feelings and compulsively wrote on, ignoring the fact that my daughter was not sleeping anymore in my carrier and was trying to grab everything around me, twisting and turning the carrier around me. I snapped inside at her, and felt like slapping the annoying child. But I just smiled and patted her absently, barely there. My mind was exploding with rage, and the unfairness and sadness of my life. Describe your relationship with your family, siblings, adoptive and biological, it was just too much. Too much hatred and anger towards everyone. For ignoring my pain and being selfish. For how much in their own worlds everyone was. For how much anger I had towards my father for his babyish state of mind, why couldn't he just be a grown-up? Why couldn't he deal with his feelings in a mature manner? Why did he always just leech onto people for his self-esteem? Why couldn't my birth mother have support and keep us? WHY did she have us if she couldn't keep us? Did she glorify in hurting herself and her children so much that she enjoying having them and then giving them away each time? Why did my adoptive mother act like such a pain in the ***? Why couldn't she accept that my brother and I have our own feelings separate from her and not because of her? Why couldn't She LISTEN compassionately? Why did she lie to everyone and pretend to care about everyone when she did not connect to ONE person in her life? Why did she lie that she has a good relationship with her father when they never tell each other their feelings? WHY does she think it is NORMAL to have your family ignore your feelings? Why does she expect me to give in to my adoptive sister, and say that I am being childish for still fighting for my right to be seen? WHY does she go to my husband for help in "FIXING" me because she says I am losing my mind?
What'll happen to me if I just give up? And let everyone take over? Give them my baby, like the leeches they are that they want to take her from me, and just cry myself to death. As if anyone cares at all. Well, Maybe my husband but I don't care enough about him to let go of my true feelings for him. Feelings of self-loathing and despair. What or Who do I have to live for? My birth mother never cared about me to keep me. She claims she went back to get me at the court house every year, but that is not enough for me. My soul is shrouded in loneliness, and I have nothing to turn to.
That is all for now.
I was filling out the consultation questionnaire for how to help my daughter with her birth trauma, and I didn't listen to the warning. If you start feeling distressed from the questions, stop immediately. I just wrote more and more, and anger and pain welled up in me until I felt like dead weight. I just couldn't stop, I had to finish. I ignored my feelings and compulsively wrote on, ignoring the fact that my daughter was not sleeping anymore in my carrier and was trying to grab everything around me, twisting and turning the carrier around me. I snapped inside at her, and felt like slapping the annoying child. But I just smiled and patted her absently, barely there. My mind was exploding with rage, and the unfairness and sadness of my life. Describe your relationship with your family, siblings, adoptive and biological, it was just too much. Too much hatred and anger towards everyone. For ignoring my pain and being selfish. For how much in their own worlds everyone was. For how much anger I had towards my father for his babyish state of mind, why couldn't he just be a grown-up? Why couldn't he deal with his feelings in a mature manner? Why did he always just leech onto people for his self-esteem? Why couldn't my birth mother have support and keep us? WHY did she have us if she couldn't keep us? Did she glorify in hurting herself and her children so much that she enjoying having them and then giving them away each time? Why did my adoptive mother act like such a pain in the ***? Why couldn't she accept that my brother and I have our own feelings separate from her and not because of her? Why couldn't She LISTEN compassionately? Why did she lie to everyone and pretend to care about everyone when she did not connect to ONE person in her life? Why did she lie that she has a good relationship with her father when they never tell each other their feelings? WHY does she think it is NORMAL to have your family ignore your feelings? Why does she expect me to give in to my adoptive sister, and say that I am being childish for still fighting for my right to be seen? WHY does she go to my husband for help in "FIXING" me because she says I am losing my mind?
What'll happen to me if I just give up? And let everyone take over? Give them my baby, like the leeches they are that they want to take her from me, and just cry myself to death. As if anyone cares at all. Well, Maybe my husband but I don't care enough about him to let go of my true feelings for him. Feelings of self-loathing and despair. What or Who do I have to live for? My birth mother never cared about me to keep me. She claims she went back to get me at the court house every year, but that is not enough for me. My soul is shrouded in loneliness, and I have nothing to turn to.
That is all for now.
Comments
Post a Comment