You CANNOT Help Others in Their Pain, If You Are Not There For Your Own Pain
My life feels like hell now. I wanted something so badly, and my daughter messed it up for me so much. I feel so angry at her there is even hatred there. I am feeling, "What are you doing to me? You are destroying me!" And that is how I am fighting for my autonomy. I know so clearly that it is wrong and stupid, but I feel so triggered that I can't help my over-pouring of feeling.
It just made me realize how people work. How people come to do the craziest things that one would never imagine why in the world they would do. We each have our own battles, and things we are triggered to do in our worst moments.
Babies and children are small vessels that can only handle so much. Their brains can't comprehend logic, and so they need to be treated really sensitively or else they get really destroyed from their pain. Or they have to disassociate because it is too much when they are mistreated. Their emotions rule their world.
People with fragmented parts that stopped growing because of trauma, meaning they are stuck in that pain from the hurt that was not resolved, also have little tolerance for hurt in that area. For example, since I stopped growing emotionally at the age of 6, when I realized I was different and felt abandoned by my parents and everyone, I was still in that feeling and had a hard time relating to people my age when I tried to fit in. It was so embarrassing when my therapist told me I was stuck in a child's age because of my trauma, and that was why I could not fit in with my class at 17. But it is true, unresolved trauma causes a person to stay behind in that moment until it gets fixed. Until then, the person needs to realize that they are extra sensitive, like a baby or child, and cannot take certain harsh/ critical behavior. They must not beat themselves up when they are not doing as well as the more developed people in their age/place group, because they are underdeveloped in certain ways.
Not to excuse bad behavior, but the important thing is to know where it is coming from. When a fragmented person loses their self-worth from a seemingly small thing, they need to be easy on themselves and stand up for it so that others do not put them down for it. And it's extra hard because their logic beats them down and does not let them feel self-pity. Because of all the repression they are holding in their pain with.
So now I am dealing with having to protect my child's fragile, small self get through her difficulties and also deal with my fragile, small ego feel better for losing something that was soo important to me because of her. It is extremely difficult to feel for her in this place, and I am being kind to myself letting myself feel my own emotions first.
The only way one can take care of another person's feelings is if they tend to their own first. otherwise, nothing they do or say will have any good effects, it'll all come from a place of lack. This is why I was also terrified of little babies and kids, because I KNEW they needed my full attention because they were so helpless and did not have strong sense of self, and I knew I could not give it to them because I was soo lacking in my own sense of self.
Keep going, take a deep breathe. It's not as terrible and hopeless as it seems.
It just made me realize how people work. How people come to do the craziest things that one would never imagine why in the world they would do. We each have our own battles, and things we are triggered to do in our worst moments.
Babies and children are small vessels that can only handle so much. Their brains can't comprehend logic, and so they need to be treated really sensitively or else they get really destroyed from their pain. Or they have to disassociate because it is too much when they are mistreated. Their emotions rule their world.
People with fragmented parts that stopped growing because of trauma, meaning they are stuck in that pain from the hurt that was not resolved, also have little tolerance for hurt in that area. For example, since I stopped growing emotionally at the age of 6, when I realized I was different and felt abandoned by my parents and everyone, I was still in that feeling and had a hard time relating to people my age when I tried to fit in. It was so embarrassing when my therapist told me I was stuck in a child's age because of my trauma, and that was why I could not fit in with my class at 17. But it is true, unresolved trauma causes a person to stay behind in that moment until it gets fixed. Until then, the person needs to realize that they are extra sensitive, like a baby or child, and cannot take certain harsh/ critical behavior. They must not beat themselves up when they are not doing as well as the more developed people in their age/place group, because they are underdeveloped in certain ways.
Not to excuse bad behavior, but the important thing is to know where it is coming from. When a fragmented person loses their self-worth from a seemingly small thing, they need to be easy on themselves and stand up for it so that others do not put them down for it. And it's extra hard because their logic beats them down and does not let them feel self-pity. Because of all the repression they are holding in their pain with.
So now I am dealing with having to protect my child's fragile, small self get through her difficulties and also deal with my fragile, small ego feel better for losing something that was soo important to me because of her. It is extremely difficult to feel for her in this place, and I am being kind to myself letting myself feel my own emotions first.
The only way one can take care of another person's feelings is if they tend to their own first. otherwise, nothing they do or say will have any good effects, it'll all come from a place of lack. This is why I was also terrified of little babies and kids, because I KNEW they needed my full attention because they were so helpless and did not have strong sense of self, and I knew I could not give it to them because I was soo lacking in my own sense of self.
Keep going, take a deep breathe. It's not as terrible and hopeless as it seems.
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