Aftermath Of Reunion, next day

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I lost my mind this morning, after meeting my Birth Parents and being on a high last night. It didn't last. I fell way down the minute things didn't go well. I felt pressure about meeting my Biological sister today, and was not feeling ready for it. We barely know each other, and I hate being fake with people just because it is "expected" of me to be nice when I don't feel so lovey. I got annoyed and took all the anger out on husband, because of how I felt he didn't understand me and was not in tune with my feelings. Turns out, he was triggered too and did not know how to act last night, and that was why he seemed not too involved with my birth parents. I was soo angry, but now am grateful that I know how he felt, and I wish I would have spoken to him about it right away when I started noticing.

Codependents sometimes do not notice their anger and resentment, because of the usual need to cover it up to please their parents, so I did not notice my feelings of annoyance until it all built up. I was also worked up with emotions of sadness and chaos about my birth parents, who do not live in the most ideal state of minds. They are both very childish and self-negating, and live without much support. Aside from other friends that are like them. But I am sad for them that they're families don't support them, and that is why my father turned out so self-doubting, and fell for my schizophrenic and then homeless mother. I guess I never would have been born without it, so I don't know how to feel about this. But I am sad for my situation. I do love them, and am loyal to them solely because they birthed me.

So I feel the downside of reunions, and how it can bring up past trauma and pain because the actual event of how I was given up comes straight to the surface. I do not know how I will go back to living normally, I wish I could keep seeing them and getting to know them. I want to "save" my mother and father, but I know I can't. I just want to make their pain go away. I guess this is how normal non adopted people who come from dysfunctional parents feel all the time.

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