Bad Times Are As Important As Good Times

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           Frustration with my daughter all over the place today made me realize how quickly I can lose my patience and good will towards her. She triggers me when she is nervous because I know she is just mirroring me, and my nerves make it hard for me to take care of her. I see on Facebook how everyone is glorifying their children's smiling faces and sweet looks, and making a big show of the good times in raising their child. But it is not the only part, there are stressful and annoyances times too, and those just never seem to make it out there with some people. I just saw a post by a relative that said: Together for 8 years with x, and I hope our marriage continues with our new baby girl with more joy and celebration. It makes me wonder if they do have those harsh moments, and if so, why do they love showing everyone how perfect their family is. I'd feel slightly dishonest if I was to constantly update my social media statuses with pictures of my smiling, happy, and precious looking baby. Because that is just not the whole picture, and it romanticizes my whole life. That is not what I am looking for, I have enough trouble trying to accept the hard times- I don't need to outwardly ignore it too. 

           What I'm saying is, I think the beautiful side of life with my child is great and wonderful. But life is not only about the happy times and fun, it is also about painful moments and sweat. Working towards understanding your child 100% is the goal in life. Not just to enjoy and cherish the good moments. I think that is a problem in the world- that no one likes to focus on the not so happy/ glorified parts. If we were to put up a picture of our kid crying, many people would shudder and think we were strange. It makes sense, because problems mean dealing with pain and nobody likes to, especially if they had bad experiences with their own pain not being validated by loved ones. But as I saw in a special woman whom I met in another city, sometimes when pain is listened to, the most connection can be felt and people can feel seen and loved. This was what I felt with that woman, when I noticed her kind eyes just listening to me and resonating with my sadness. 

             I think with my daughter I try to feel for her and when I do I feel more connected with her because she knows I am with her and not ignoring her feelings at those times. I hope she grows up feeling loved for her full self, pain I cause her and all, so that she can trust herself to feel okay even when things get rough. I love this little girl so much she is so precious, even when she wiggles around too much and pushes my face nervously.

          I'm struggling with accepting struggles, when things do not go right and my day feels empty and "wasted." I struggle to find purpose for hardships, and to believe they are just as precious time as my joyful and enthusiastic times. I hope to become more balanced in being equally peaceful in the bad and good times.

           I used to run much more from the feeling pain, with watching movies a lot and eating lots of sweets. It used to not occur to me that I can sit in the pain, and deal with it. But I am getting closer to wanting to deal with it, and the more I do the worst moods I go through. It's like standing closer and closer to the fire. The closer to my pain I go, the more heat I feel. Sometimes I step back because it's too much. But I am happy knowing that I am closer to the truth, and I feel better about myself knowing that I am no longer running from facing the fire inside me. The more I face it, the easier it'll get and I won't have to run anymore.
        Soon, it won't be so scary, and I want everyone to accept and feel the pain as strongly as they run to feel the good times.

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