Codependents Feel Invisible, Fear of Intimacy, and Learning to Trust the Connection

               When we don't feel worthy of attention and feel so small, it can feel suffocating when other are nice to us. For example, I met an old neighbor from my old country that I hadn't seen since I was 10, and as we got into conversation about our lives, the more personal it got the more I felt like bolting. But we smile and act natural, even though our bones are shaking. It is a trained reaction, that if we don't stop to think about it, can feel totally regular. In Jerry Wise's video about Allergies to Intimacy, he talks about how people in marriage who are scared of intimacy may think they want it when they do not get it, but truthfully they are not READY for it, not on the level to take it. They would not be able to handle it. 

               This is interesting because I always thought I wanted someone to see me and love me, but looking back I never got that properly, and my relationships were always one sided- with me not showing up in reality of the relationship. When someone I knew vaguely confronted me rather frankly about my secretive behavior and of avoiding meeting her eyes, accusing me of being "intimidated" by her, I brushed it off bashfully and mortified that she could see my issues. I thought I was invisible and was terrified of exposure, because I felt my true self was cracked. Which it was, but I had nothing to be ashamed of. But then I was stuck in thinking I was a pariah, so I just COULDN'T physically bring myself to show up in any friendship at all.

            It's really interesting, I noticed recently how us codependents and narcissistically wounded people seem to have no voice of our own, and follow the crowd when in conversation. We feel invisible and unworthy of thinking for ourselves, and therefore fall into agreement with everyone else. Our smiles and kindness are not truly genuine, we all really are programmed to display them on cue. If you stopped one of us and said something off the script of how strangers or family members or friends treat one another, we get caught off guard and stutter, or become really slighted. It is also interesting that we lack a sense of humor at times, because of the need to act perfect and getting caught up in a script that we cannot just relax and go with the flow. Therefore it leaves no space for joking around and teasing or having others teasing us. In the past, I acted very stiff around people I hung out with, and they all slowly left. I didn't know what was wrong with me, all I knew was that I was socially awkward. I stuffed the opinion of my therapist that I was emotionally aged 8 because of trauma, because it embarrassed me too much. Now I know that it is not such a shameful thing, it is normal from what happened to me and I could not control it. Being stuck in my shame did not let me move on and be more authentic.

            Codependents and narcissists both learn to pick up cues of how to act to get other's to favor them, because of the fear of rejection subconsciously. This is why we tend to lose sight of our own interests and feelings, and revert to focusing on exteriors. It is so sad because it prevents us from getting what we really need - recognition of who we are as a human being. We need lots of attention and love, yet are too scared to admit that because of how it drove people in our past away. Narcissists learn to use people, while codependents learn to adapt to others. Both are not truly being authentic and in true love with others.

           I am terrified of being authentic. I pull back all the time, and question the other's interest. I lose my temper at the slightest thing they do wrong, and push them away fully. It confuses and hurts others, but sadly my husband is used to it due to his family dynamics and barely bats an eye when I tell him how much I can't stand him. The only thing he focuses on is my accusation of him neglecting to do his job well. This he needs to fight back on because he cannot stand when other's criticize his work because it makes him feel worthless. But the fact that I tell him I hate him doesn't register on his emergency radar, because he is so used to people shouting how they hate others in their loss of temper, and then switching back to loving-care when they are back to their senses.

            Anyway, it's time to wake up to our true worth, and that our opinions count as much as everyone else. I noticed how when I spoke to my old neighbor, what I was saying really made an impression because I truly meant it all. To ME at least, which is what counts most because it satisfies my sense of self-respect. When I spoke about my daughter's eating and sleeping patterns, my opinion on day camps for kids, my thoughts on eating more natural foods... It appeared to be a typical exchange of two young mothers, but for me inside I was beaming and feeling appreciative of our connection. I noticed how I tried to stay optimistic and neutral, and really paid attention to her side too. In the past, I would have chided myself over being too conscientious of how she was responding to me, but now I respect and allow my need and interest in having a two-way exchange and feeling validated as a person. It wasn't really about being civil and social to another being, it was an exciting and pleasant talk that left my heart warm and touched. I am not best friends with this woman now, I may not see her again, but she is still in my heart and brought me happiness in that short time that still lasts now. Every action and connection you make is meaningful and lives on. And that is a great comfort to codependents, who feel invisible and untrusting of intimacy and connecting with others.