Dead Inside
Things for me seem to look perfect all the time, and when I have a rude awakening that something is wrong I freak out and go into downward spiral. This is from the upbringing of thinking things had to be good, and that I was crazy when I felt bad. It makes me disconnected from true reality, and have to see things good in order to function. Because I cannot handle the opposite, it confirms my worst fear, that I am bad. This is the splitting of good and bad in people who were fractured in personality from a young age, and can't move past from back and white thinking, either Mommy is good or bad.
For this reason, my life has an unreal quality, as if I cannot trust my own self. I live as if watching a show, not connected to it. Disassociated. My husband does it too, and we both answer monotonously to one another, It is so unhealthy, and I am sad about it. But we are trapped in grief and waiting for a rescue from the outside. Without knowing we have the power to change our lives. We have power to chose what we want to feel.
For this reason, my life has an unreal quality, as if I cannot trust my own self. I live as if watching a show, not connected to it. Disassociated. My husband does it too, and we both answer monotonously to one another, It is so unhealthy, and I am sad about it. But we are trapped in grief and waiting for a rescue from the outside. Without knowing we have the power to change our lives. We have power to chose what we want to feel.
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